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How to See Others In a Selfie World

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Picture of girl taking a selfie picture of herself.
Justin and Kendra Skinner
Help your kids learn to focus on real-world relationships in a technology-driven culture.

One day our family pulled up in our minivan behind a teen girl who was
walking down the middle of our street. With her earbuds in and eyes locked on her phone, she had no
idea we were there. We followed her a little ways. My husband, James, was driving, and while he
didn’t want to startle her, I think he was tempted to tap the horn so we could get on our way. The
girl finally veered over to the sidewalk, utterly clueless about the 2-ton minivan behind her.

Thankfully, most teens today aren’t texting from the middle of roads, oblivious to traffic. But
they are missing other things — relationships, conversations, connections — when they
constantly tune out the outside world in favor of apps, video games and social media posts.

Using electronic devices creates a communication bubble around a child, rendering the outside
world meaningless. If your son is engrossed in a video game, it’s nearly impossible for him to
listen to Grandpa’s stories. Likewise, your daughter won’t have capacity to sit down and chat when
she has texts to respond to and social media sites to update. Over time, these habits dramatically
alter their social skills and interest in relating to other people.

How do we pop the tech
bubble that is mesmerizing this generation? How can we help our children value face-to-face
relationships in our obsessively self-centered digital culture? Here are some ideas to start

Build a “people-first” culture

Since screen time erodes relationship skills, a big first step is to nurture a family culture that values people and face-to-face relationships over screen time. As a family, commit to some sensible guidelines for screens in the home and when you’re out in public. One of the best decisions you can make is to have mealtimes without screens at the table or on in the background. If it’s one of those meals where someone wants to photograph the food, do it quickly, but then put away the cellphone. Do not touch it. Enjoy the company of each other without needless interruptions. By practicing this courtesy, your family will be part of a happy minority. A recent study found that 81 percent of American restaurant diners spend time looking at their phones while eating.

After mealtime, don’t rush to pick up the screen. Yes, it’s convenient for each
person in the family to unwind with screens as each sees fit, but this atmosphere can be

In addition, commit to the habit of leaving all family phones outside bedrooms for
the night. If you’re thinking you can’t possibly go to sleep without your phone nearby, tell
yourself you can do it — and then commit to it! Try this experiment for a week: Charge your
phone in another room, and don’t check it as the last act of the day. Instead, read from the Bible,
pray or jot down some memories from the day, things you’re thankful for. There are more important
matters of the heart to mull over before bedtime than what updates you may be missing from

Be on the lookout

I was very shy as a girl. I always wanted to stay with my parents at
church. (If we’d had smartphones back then, I could easily have been pulled into that world.) But my
mom insisted I go to youth group meetings. “Look for girls who are sitting alone,” she advised me.
“Ask questions. I’m sure they could use a friend.” Gradually, I overcame my shyness by taking an
interest in others.

I think many kids today have a different type of shyness that keeps them
fixed on a screen when real people are around. It’s almost as if they’re intimidated by real
conversations, cultivating their relationships and sense of identity entirely through a phone.

As parents, we must seek to raise kids who value the pursuit of real-world relationships. You,
too, can pass along my mom’s advice to your kids, encouraging them to always be on the lookout for
people with whom they can share a lunch, co-labor on an assignment or go for a walk together. Ask
them, “Is there anyone new in your class this year?” or “Do you have a friend who could use some
encouragement this week?”

Many kids are good at talking about themselves, but it’s hard to
find a child who is good at listening to others. To encourage this, teach your children to ask
questions and show genuine interest in others. They can ask kids things like, “Do you have a pet?”
or “What do you like to do on the weekend?” When they meet adults, they can say, “Tell me about
your job,” or ask, “Do you have any hobbies?” A listening, inquiring spirit is an invaluable
relational skill.

Outside of school and church, you may find other opportunities to encourage
your children to practice using their relationship skills. We live near a veterans home. My
13-year-old son, Ethan, is an avid reader of books about World War II. It hit me like a lightning
bolt one day: Why don’t I connect Ethan with a war veteran? I called the veterans home and asked if
they could use a middle school piano player. Ethan was soon playing George Gershwin for a dozen
veterans during a coffee break. You should have seen their faces light up with hope and fond
remembrance. At the end, Ethan listened to a WWII veteran share stories and proudly show off his
Purple Heart and Bronze Star. When our children take time to connect with others, there are some
wonderful surprises along the way.

Practice the pivot

As parents, we may talk about real relationships with our kids, but
if we are too busy texting and emailing to look into our children’s eyes, we aren’t really living it
out. We cannot expect our children to be engaged with others if we are preoccupied by our screens.
I’m not writing from a place of perfection with this. In my home office, my eyes are glued to my
computer screen. These moments of tension between work and mom life led me to a transforming
practice I call “the pivot.”

When I sense someone approaching, I turn my chair away from the
screen and toward my loved one. (If I’m on my phone, I look up.) I smile and look the person in the
eyes. This body language says, “I’m listening.”

My daughter Lucy loves hugs. When she walks
to my desk, I employ the pivot before she reaches me. I’ll greet her with a big hug. After this
positive attention, she’ll happily trot off to her next thing, and the whole interaction takes less
than 30 seconds.

But when I don’t turn for that hug and Lucy has to wait for me at my desk
while I finish a sentence or two, the interaction takes much longer and is much less satisfying for
both of us. I’m frustrated by the interruption, and she’s frustrated by being ignored. On the other
hand, the pivot doesn’t take long, but it communicates volumes. It says to my family member, “You
are more valuable to me than a piece of hardware.”

Can you imagine how different our world would be if more parents and teens practiced the pivot? Teach them to place a priority on the person in front of them. If they’re texting while someone approaches, encourage them to stop texting for a few moments — even if they just look up and say, “Let me finish this sentence, and then I’ll be right with you.” Ideally, they’d stop and give the other person their full attention, but even if they ask for a delay, that’s better than simply ignoring someone.

May our children grow into adults who value human connection more than digital “likes” and who would never walk in the middle of the road glued to a smartphone. There is so much more to see in life than a string of

Life Outside the Bubble

No family can completely avoid technology. But we can be
wiser about its use. Here are three ideas to help keep our kids from disappearing into a tech

Limit the hits

Social media and video games are addictive. Researchers have determined
that a time of screen detox can be very healthy. If a child would be obviously anxious about missing
device time for a week, she’s a good candidate for a fast.

When they head back to social
media, encourage your kids to use it for building connections with a handful of friends rather than
scrolling through news feeds to check in on the masses. When they use social media
to stay in
touch with just a few people, it can enhance relationships.

Go online with a purpose

Technology supposedly helps us with organization and time
management. Yet much like flipping through TV channels, we often wander aimlessly through an
overwhelming amount of information and updates. Do we really need to know what a friend had for
dinner or if a famous couple splits up?

Teach your kids to ask this question before picking
up their phone or computer: “What am I here to do?” Make sure there’s a concrete answer before
proceeding: “I’m going to text my friend about the band concert” or “I’m finishing my book

Have your teens disappeared into “screenland”? Tune in to our broadcast for helpful
tips on how to connect with them.

Embrace singletasking

“I’m multitasking!” a teen may say, texting a friend while writing
his history report.

Multitasking gives the illusion of working smart, but research suggests
it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. According to Stanford professor Clifford Nass, multitaskers
usually waste a lot of time because they “can’t filter out irrelevancy,” he says. “They’re
chronically distracted.” Nass says that multitasking also interferes with memory skills needed in
real-world relationships. If a teen is talking with a friend and texting at the same time, it’s
often difficult to recall the information shared in person.

Teach your kids to concentrate on
one task at a time — engaging in conversation, finishing homework, completing chores —
instead of continually switching from task to task.


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