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On the scale of uncomfortable things to talk about with your young kids; masturbation hovers around the top. But as awkward as it is, ignoring the topic won’t make it go away.
Sometimes it happens when kids are toddlers, sometimes when they’re preschoolers or middle schoolers. You’re bringing laundry to their room, or you pass their door and hear sounds that seem out of place. Or maybe you walk into your young son’s or daughter’s room and discover your kids masturbating. What do you do? What should you do?
On the scale of “uncomfortable things to talk about with your young kids,” masturbation ranks toward the top. But as awkward as it is, ignoring it won’t make the situation go away.
The good news is that this type of behavior doesn’t indicate there’s something wrong with your child. Dr. Michael Sytsma, a licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist (known as Dr. Mike) says that masturbation is actually “normative behavior” — God designed those parts of the body to feel good when touched. While this experimentation with the body may be part of growing up, parents can help their kids recognize healthy boundaries for this form of touch.
Young children often don’t have a proper sense of how to behave in public. They may pick their noses or touch their bottoms. At this age, kids seldom imagine anything sexual when they conduct self-pleasure. They are just enjoying a new physical sensation.
It’s best to start a conversation with them by explaining that just as picking their nose in public isn’t something we do, so is touching our private parts in public or private, except when cleaning them in a bath or shower, or at a check-up with a doctor. But when the self-stimulating urge seems to become more frequent, Dr. Mike suggests that parents give more affection to children — ruffling their hair, holding or hugging them, along with a gentle spoken reminder. Perhaps a “Sweetie, let’s find other things to make you feel better,” said quietly and privately.
The eBook The Talk is a very useful tool in teaching children of all ages about God’s wonderful gift of sexuality. It was written to minimize awkwardness and help parents begin clear, age-appropriate conversations with their children.
As kids enter school, they become more aware of culture and others’ behaviors. Beginning a conversation about masturbation tends to be easier. Especially when children are 4 to 8 years old because kids are more likely to talk openly. For school-age kids, masturbation is sometimes used as self-soothing behavior. When kids feel lonely or rejected by classmates, doubt creeps in. When kids self-soothe in this age group, though, they will begin to hide their behavior from adults.
In this age and stage, knowing what to do when your kids masturbate depends on a variety of factors. However, Dr. Mike says that parents shouldn’t avoid bringing up the topic of masturbation. “If we avoid the topic, we’re allowing guilt and shame to build in a child, which is more destructive than many other things in a child’s life.”
Those early conversations don’t have to be descriptive, but they shouldn’t be so vague that kids don’t know what is being discussed. Talking about masturbation in a natural tone of voice and explaining simply how certain parts of the body feel good when touched can help parents pave the way for open and honest conversations later.
Then the conversation can move to the boundaries for this type of touch. Dr. Mike says, “Failure to discuss openly with your child results in confusion for your children as they have no context for what their feelings are about and what is and is not OK.”
Parents should work hard to avoid condemning messages, such as looking horrified and bursting into tears or yelling things like: “Don’t ever do that!” Punishing a child for masturbating is another form of shaming, as is telling him that masturbation is going to ruin his future sex life, prevent him from having children or grow hair on his palms.
While shaming may stop the behavior, says Dr. Mike, it doesn’t work well toward the higher goal of raising a healthy adult. Instead, consider asking the child whether he or she is feeling lonely or afraid. He says that at this age, “Self-soothing behavior is about something else.”
By the time your children reach the tween years, they are probably more aware of the existence of masturbation. “For a kid to get to age 9 or 10 and not have seen or heard something about masturbation is unlikely,” says Dr. Mike. Parents should continue to give their kids a context for what they see or hear at school or in the media. He recommends having a serious talk at about age 11, whether it’s an official sit-down or a spontaneous conversation prompted by something seen on television or a comment by a kid at school.
Dr. Mike says, “Let’s talk about this topic and the framework in which God designed it: sexual pleasure being associated with a spouse. The goal isn’t to stop the behavior but to shape the person these children are becoming.” If you don’t talk about God’s design for your child’s sexuality, your kids may not understand why you’re telling them to save sexual pleasure for marriage.
Without understanding God’s design, Dr. Mike explains, “Sexual behavior then becomes a rule, and kids break rules. But if kids know the value of God’s design and become stewards of that, they can become healthy adults.”
Dr. Mike suggests that dads talk to boys and moms talk to girls. If separate conversations are not possible because of a single-parent home or parents in the military or traveling, the topic should still be addressed. This isn’t a topic just for boys or just for girls.
Knowing what to do when your young kids masturbate can often leave you with more questions that answers. However, what you say to your child depends on the strength of your relationship with him or her and your comfort level. Dr. Mike says, “If Mom and Dad are uncomfortable talking about the subject, the child may pick that up and interpret it with guilt or shame.” He suggests that parents practice talking about what to do when young kids masturbate with each other first.
Once the conversation is underway, be ready for long silences and embarrassed looks. All that is fine; parents need patience, honesty and a lot of courage to forge ahead. Even if you must continue the conversation later, assure your child that you’ll talk about it again and that you’ll answer any questions he or she has. After all, Dr. Mike concludes, “If we are silent, the only voice our children hear is culture’s voice.”
*If you believe your child’s behavior in this area is excessive or compulsive, or if its onset is coupled with circumstances or events that trigger more severe behavior, immediately consult with a trained counselor for help in ascertaining the nature of the matter. Our licensed counselors are available to listen and pray with you as well as provide guidance and resources. Find out more at FocusOnTheFamily.com/CounselingHelp or call 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459) Monday through Friday from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. (Mountain time).
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Debra Fileta is a licensed professional counselor specializing in relationship and marital issues. She is also a public speaker and the author of multiple books, including Married Sex, Choosing Marriage: Why It Has to Start With We > Me, Love in Every Season, and Are You Really OK: Getting Real About Who You Are, How You’re Doing, and Why It Matters. Debra’s popular relationship advice blog, TrueLoveDates.com, and her Love + Relationships podcast reach millions of people each year offering guidance on topics including love, sex, and marriage. Debra resides in Pennsylvania with her husband, John, and their four children.
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Debra Fileta is a licensed professional counselor specializing in relationship and marital issues. She is also a public speaker and the author of multiple books, including Married Sex, Choosing Marriage: Why It Has to Start With We > Me, Love in Every Season, and Are You Really OK: Getting Real About Who You Are, How You’re Doing, and Why It Matters. Debra’s popular relationship advice blog, TrueLoveDates.com, and her Love + Relationships podcast reach millions of people each year offering guidance on topics including love, sex, and marriage.
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Dr. Kevin Leman is an internationally known family psychologist and an award-winning, New York Times best-selling author. He is also a popular public speaker and media personality who has made countless guest appearances on numerous radio and TV programs. Dr. Leman has written more than 50 books including The Birth Order Book, Have a New Kid by Friday and Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours.
Tantrums. Talking back. Throwing toys or food. Meltdowns. Slamming doors. Kids know just how to push your buttons. You’ve tried all sorts of methods, but nothing seems to work. In this book, Dr. Kevin Leman reveals exactly why kids misbehave and how you can turn that behavior around with practical, no-nonsense strategies that really work . . . and are a long-term win for both of you.
Often, children act out because they are used to getting attention through bad behavior. Dr. Kevin Leman offers advice to help parents transform their child’s behavior. He discusses the benefits of allowing your kids to learn from real-life consequences and describes the importance of understanding your child’s temperament based on his birth order.
Dr. Kevin Leman is an internationally known family psychologist and an award-winning, New York Times best-selling author. He is also a popular public speaker and media personality who has made countless guest appearances on numerous radio and TV programs. Dr. Leman has written more than 50 books including The Birth Order Book, Have a New Kid by Friday and Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours.
Tantrums. Talking back. Throwing toys or food. Meltdowns. Slamming doors. Kids know just how to push your buttons. You’ve tried all sorts of methods, but nothing seems to work. In this book, Dr. Kevin Leman reveals exactly why kids misbehave and how you can turn that behavior around with practical, no-nonsense strategies that really work . . . and are a long-term win for both of you.
Debra Fileta has identified the four seasons of marriage that correspond with our natural seasons – spring (new life and new love), summer (things get hot!), fall (showing our true colors), and winter (long days ahead). In this interview, she will help couples better understand the four seasons of healthy relationships, what to expect during each one, and how to carefully navigate them for a stronger marriage.
Debra Fileta is a licensed professional counselor specializing in relationship and marital issues. She is also a public speaker and the author of multiple books, including Married Sex, Choosing Marriage: Why It Has to Start With We > Me, Love in Every Season, and Are You Really OK: Getting Real About Who You Are, How You’re Doing, and Why It Matters. Debra’s popular relationship advice blog, TrueLoveDates.com, and her Love + Relationships podcast reach millions of people each year offering guidance on topics including love, sex, and marriage.
Every relationship goes through four life-changing seasons: Spring. Summer. Fall. Winter. Each season plays an important role in taking your relationship to the next level. And depending on how you navigate each season, your relationship will either flourish and grow, or it will slowly die. Whether you’re single, dating, engaged or married, join licensed professional counselor and relationship expert, Debra Fileta as she takes you on an eye-opening psychological and spiritual journey through the four seasons that she has observed in every healthy relationship.
Dr. Lee Warren is a neurosurgeon who has faced many heavy challenges in his life – from serving in the Iraq War to removing deadly brain tumors to experiencing the loss of a teenage son. He’ll share about his difficult quest to find answers to some of life’s toughest questions, while holding onto his faith in God and the sure hope of heaven
W. Lee Warren, M.D., is a brain surgeon , inventor, Iraq War veteran, and author of I’ve Seen the End of You: A Neurosurgeon’s Look at Faith, Doubt, and the Things We Think We Know, winner of the Christian Book Award®. His previous book, No Place to Hide, was included on the 2015 U.S. Air Force Chief of Staff’s Recommended Reading List. Dr. Warren has appeared on The 700 Club and the CBS Evening News, and his writings have been featured in Guideposts magazine. His Dr. Lee Warren Podcast, which is heard in more than 60 countries, helps listeners use the power of neuroscience, faith, and common sense to change their lives.
This gripping inspirational memoir grapples with the tension between faith and science—and between death and hope—as a seasoned neurosurgeon faces insurmountable odds and grief both in the office and at home.
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Jodie Berndt is a public speaker, a Bible teacher, and the the author of 10 books. Find out more about Jodie and get some free resources (including printable prayer cards and calendars) at her website, jodieberndt.com.
You will discover how using the Bible to shape your desires and requests opens the door to God’s provision—and frees us from things like worry and fear in our parenting! This expanded edition of the bestseller features updated content on issues like technology and identity, and comes with new material designed to invite children into the family prayer circle. Purchase now and receive 10% off your product.
Rhonda Stoppe describes her early motherhood challenges of raising a son, which was intimidating to her. She found help through group of older women mentors. She urges moms to see their role as ministry in shaping sons to be good and godly men. Rhonda outlines several practical suggestions to moms about spiritual training, how to communicate with boys, and supporting the father-son relationship as a wife.
Drawing upon 35 years of experience as a mentor, pastor’s wife, and homeschool mom, Rhonda Stoppe offers encouragement and guidance to women as an author and public speaker. She is popularly known as the “No Regrets Woman,” as she is especially passionate about helping women live life without regrets. Rhonda’s books include Moms Raising Sons to Be Men, Real Life Romance, and The Marriage Mentor, which she co-authored with her husband, Steve.
Mothers of boys have the special calling to shape future men of God. Popular speaker Rhonda Stoppe, mom to two sons, knows this opportunity is a challenge, a joy, and probably the most important work of a woman’s life. Drawing from years of experience, this inspirational resource will revive the faithfulness and fortitude a woman needs to partner with God as they shape the character and heart of a future godly man.
They were both convinced they had married the wrong person. From almost the very beginning of their marriage, Amber and Guy Lia experienced various tensions and personality clashes related to house cleaning, backseat driving, workaholism, and intimacy. In this two-day Focus on the Family broadcast, Amber and Guy discuss how they bravely faced the triggers head-on, and committed to working on their own relationships with Jesus. As you listen to the Lia’s story, you’ll feel hope that you, too, can see real marriage transformation!
Amber Lia is a work-at-home mom, blogger, public speaker, and co-author of two best-selling books. Her husband, Guy, is a former TV, feature film, and VFX development and production executive who has worked on popular TV shows and films. Guy and Amber own Storehouse Media Group, a faith- and family-friendly TV and film production company based in Los Angeles,
A husband-wife team offers practical advice for married couples to end the cycle of reactionary arguments by examining the most common issues that trigger disagreements and apply God’s Word to radically transform relationships.
Life can be pretty stressful. Between work, relationships, and other obligations, the pressure builds, and we lose sight of who we are. Counselor Debra Fileta helps you better understand your emotions, assess your mental, physical, and spiritual health, and intentionally pursue a path to wellbeing. In dealing with anxiety, depression, and panic attacks, Debra understands the importance of self-examination as well as the benefits of seeking professional help. She offers biblically-based advice, tools, and encouragement to help you get on a path toward healing and wholeness.
Debra Fileta is a licensed professional counselor specializing in relationship and marital issues. She is also a public speaker and the author of multiple books, including Married Sex, Choosing Marriage: Why It Has to Start With We > Me, Love in Every Season, and Are You Really OK: Getting Real About Who You Are, How You’re Doing, and Why It Matters. Debra’s popular relationship advice blog, TrueLoveDates.com, and her Love + Relationships podcast reach millions of people each year offering guidance on topics including love, sex, and marriage. Debra resides in Pennsylvania with her husband, John, and their four children.
In Are You Really OK? author and licensed counselor Debra Fileta challenges you to get real with who you are and how you’re doing spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically so you can recognize where you need growth and healing.
As a pediatrician, Dr. Meg Meeker has seen thousands of girls come through her office through the years. They struggle with eating issues, sexual identity, social media…and many other challenges in this toxic culture. Dr. Meeker will encourage parents to invest love and time in their daughters and develop their character to give them the best opportunity for a bright future, all rooted in a spiritual foundation. The discussion also includes healthy feminism vs. toxic feminism
Dr. Meg Meeker is a pediatrician who is widely recognized as one of the country’s leading authorities on parenting, teens and children’s health. With appearances on numerous nationally syndicated radio and TV programs, her popularity as a an expert on key issues confronting families has created a strong following across America. Her work with countless families over the years served as the inspiration behind her best-selling books which include Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, Strong Mothers, Strong Sons and The Ten Habits of Happy Mothers.
Meg Meeker has been a pediatrician for more than thirty years, is a mother and a grandmother, and has seen it all. She knows what makes for strong, happy, healthy young women–and what puts our daughters at risk. Combining that experience with her famous common sense, she explains the eleven steps that will help your daughter–whether she’s a toddler or a troubled teen–to achieve her full human potential.
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