On the scale of uncomfortable things to talk about with your young kids; masturbation hovers around the top. But as awkward as it is, ignoring the topic won’t make it go away.
Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
The good news is that this type of behavior doesn’t indicate there’s something wrong with your child. Dr. Michael Sytsma, a licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist (known as Dr. Mike) says that masturbation is actually “normative behavior” — God designed those parts of the body to feel good when touched. While studies on the topic are rare due to ethical and legal issues, experts have decent theories on the topic, including Dr. Mike.
Sometimes it happens when kids are toddlers, sometimes when they’re preschoolers or middle schoolers. You look down at your child in the stroller and discover her hand on her privates. You pass their bedroom door and hear sounds that seem out of place. Your tweens are cagey about phone or Internet use and seem to spend more time in their rooms. Or maybe you walk into your young son’s or daughter’s room and discover your kids masturbating.
Dr. Mike points out the sometimes the definition of “masturbation” can be confusing to parents. “Typically, we think of masturbation from an adult perspective—it is almost always sexual in intent and focus,” he said. “In contrast, childhood masturbation is almost always just about the physical sensations (pleasure) and is typically self-soothing. It is not sexual for children other than it involves their genitals.”
Clinically, childhood self-stimulation is being called “childhood gratification syndrome,” though in public forums it’s still often called “masturbation.” While this experimentation with the body may be part of growing up, parents can help their kids recognize healthy boundaries for this form of touch. The key, says Dr. Mike, is open and honest discussion to avoid shaming children.
Young children often don’t have a proper sense of how to behave in public. They may pick their noses or touch their bottoms. At this age, kids seldom imagine anything sexual when they conduct self-pleasure. They are just enjoying a new physical sensation.
It’s best to start a conversation with them by explaining that just as picking their nose in public isn’t something we do, so is touching our private parts in public or private, except when cleaning them in a bath or shower, or at a check-up with a doctor.
But when the self-stimulating urge seems to become more frequent, Dr. Mike suggests that parents give more affection to children — ruffling their hair, holding or hugging them, along with a gentle spoken reminder. Perhaps, “Sweetie, let’s find other things to make you feel better,” said quietly and privately.
The Free eBook The Talk is a very useful tool in teaching children of all ages about God’s wonderful gift of sexuality. It was written to minimize awkwardness and help parents begin clear, age-appropriate conversations with their children.
As kids enter school, they become more aware of culture and others’ behaviors. Beginning a conversation about masturbation tends to be easier, especially when children are 4 to 8 years old because kids are more likely to talk openly.
Child self-stimulation at school
For school-age kids, masturbation is sometimes used as self-soothing behavior. When kids feel lonely or rejected by classmates, doubt creeps in. When kids self-soothe in this age group, though, they will begin to hide their behavior from adults.
In this age and stage, knowing what to do when your kids masturbate depends on a variety of factors. However, Dr. Mike says that parents shouldn’t avoid bringing up the topic of masturbation. “If we avoid the topic, we’re allowing guilt and shame to build in a child, which is more destructive than many other things in a child’s life.”
Those early conversations don’t have to be descriptive, but they shouldn’t be so vague that kids don’t know what is being discussed. Talking about masturbation in a natural tone of voice and explaining simply how certain parts of the body feel good when touched can help parents pave the way for open and honest conversations later.
“Our sexuality is a sacred subject so we don’t ‘overshare,’ but we must talk openly,” he says. “We can remind our children we were young and wrestled with the same thoughts, sensations, and feelings.”
Then the conversation can move to the boundaries for this type of touch. Dr. Mike says, “Failure to discuss openly with your child results in confusion as they have no context for what their feelings are about and what is and is not okay.”
Parents should work hard to avoid condemning messages, such as looking horrified and bursting into tears or yelling things like: “Don’t ever do that!” Punishing a child for masturbating is another form of shaming, as is telling him that masturbation is going to ruin his future sex life, prevent him from having children, or grow hair on his palms.
While shaming may stop the behavior, says Dr. Mike, it doesn’t work well toward the higher goal of raising a healthy adult. He points out that children cannot discern if it’s the parent’s shame they are feeling during a discussion, so they will personalize that shame, making it their own. Instead, consider asking the child whether he or she is feeling lonely or afraid. He says that at this age, “Self-soothing behavior is about something else.”
Is it normal for a 9 year old to touch herself?
By the time your children reach the tween years, they are probably more aware of the existence of masturbation. “For a kid to get to age 9 or 10 and not have seen or heard something about masturbation is unlikely,” says Dr. Mike. Parents should continue to give their kids a context for what they see or hear at school or in the media.
Technology, he says, has had a huge impact on children in this area, especially in grade school and older, due to the availability and easy accessibility to highly sexual images. Yet he’s also seen the shame and anxiety over masturbation decrease due to more discussion (even if veiled) in public forums.
He stresses the importance of parents having a solid sexual vision of their own and teaching that to their children. “Despite teaching throughout history that masturbation caused sickness and disease, the real cost is that masturbation distracts us from the true beauty God designed in sexuality,” says Dr. Mike. “Giving a reason to pursue sexual health is more effective than scolding and shaming.”
He recommends having a serious talk at about age 11, whether it’s an official sit-down or a spontaneous conversation prompted by something seen on television or a comment by a kid at school.
Dr. Mike says, “Let’s talk about this topic and the framework in which God designed it: sexual pleasure being associated with a spouse. The goal isn’t to stop the behavior but to shape the person these children are becoming.”
If you don’t talk about God’s design for your child’s sexuality, your kids may not understand why you’re telling them to save sexual pleasure for marriage.
Without understanding God’s design, Dr. Mike explains, “Sexual behavior then becomes a rule, and kids break rules. But if kids know the value of God’s design and become stewards of that, they can become healthy adults.”
Dr. Mike suggests that dads talk to boys and moms talk to girls. If separate conversations are not possible, make sure the topic is still addressed. This isn’t a topic just for boys or just for girls—all kids need to hear about it.
An important part of a healthy solution is for parents to seek to resolve their own sexual stories, because as Dr. Mike explains, “parents who are still buried in their own shame will convey that in conversations with their children.”
However, what you say to your child depends on the strength of your relationship with him or her and your comfort level. Dr. Mike says, “If Mom and Dad are uncomfortable talking about the subject, the child may pick that up and interpret it with guilt or shame.” He suggests that parents practice talking with each other first about what to do when young kids masturbate.
Once the conversation is underway, be ready for long silences and embarrassed looks. All that is fine; parents need patience, honesty, and a lot of courage to forge ahead. Even if you must continue the conversation later, assure your child that you’ll talk about it again and that you’ll answer any questions he or she has. After all, Dr. Mike says, “If we are silent, the only voice our children hear is culture’s voice.”
Let’s ask the question again:
What do you do when you find your kid masturbating?
“Don’t freak! Normalize their behavior in your own mind and with them. Teach them honestly about the power of sexual feelings and why God designed them. Help them begin to understand the importance of boundarying the behavior,” says Dr. Mike. “And most importantly, help shape instead of shame.”
*If you believe your child’s behavior in this area is excessive or compulsive, or if its onset is coupled with circumstances or events that trigger more severe behavior, immediately consult with a trained counselor for help in ascertaining the nature of the matter. Our licensed counselors are available to listen and pray with you as well as provide guidance and resources.
Find out more at FocusOnTheFamily.com/CounselingHelp or call 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459) Monday through Friday from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. (Mountain time).
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