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Why do we get so upset with our kids? Break free from the habit of angry, reactionary parenting.
Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
When my sons were finally down for their naps, I closed their bedroom door behind me and leaned against it, exasperated. My legs felt as heavy as my heart. Too often, I was an angry mom, and that reality had caught me off guard once again.
Like many women, I had longed to be a mother. I imagined that my days would be filled with playing at the park, baking cookies and watching swim lessons. Instead, I found that while there were many wonderful moments with my three young boys, reality also involved strong wills and daily temper tantrums — both theirs and mine. Lord, why am I so easily frustrated with my children? Help me be a gentler mom!
I made my way back to the family room where dishes and toys were scattered like a maze of mayhem. The mess triggered my anger once again. I loved my children with every fiber of my being, but my actions were not matching my heart. Over time I realized that my unrealistic expectations and desire for things to go my way were rooted in pride that manifested itself in resentment.
As a new mother, I imagined I was the only mom who was feeling this way. Now, I know better. Many women have confessed to yelling at their kids, shaming them or saying things they regret. Triggers that lead toward anger — the things that set us off — are not extraordinary. In fact, I’m convinced that these triggers are what most moms have in common.
Some of our triggers are external. They are the things our kids do that turn us into reactionary parents — sibling rivalry, backtalk and disobedience. Other triggers are internal and have everything to do with us — exhaustion, a messy home and marital woes. But we don’t have to be victims of our triggers.
You can manager and overcome the inevitable anger that erupts in motherhood! Jim Daly and John Fuller talk with Amber Lia and Wendy Speake authors of Triggers: Exchanging Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Reactions.
This is part 1. Link to part 2 here.
Proverbs 28:13 says, “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” After confessing and acknowledging that I was sinfully angry, I felt the peace of Christ fill my heart. I read verses about anger and gentleness and asked God to renew my mind. And sure enough, confession led to transformation.
The Word of God reminds us that we need to slow down when we feel anger rise in our hearts. Ecclesiastes 7:9 says, “Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools.” As I began to take my anger seriously, I set a timer on my phone to remind me of this verse. I memorized it, and every hour when the timer went off, I recited it and said a quick prayer. Over many months, this practice made me more aware of my body language and my voice tone.
Scripture convinced me that I was not going to get anywhere good by treating my kids harshly. Proverbs 31:26 says, “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” If we cannot teach or correct our children with kindness, we must wait until we can. If we can’t be kind, we should be close-lipped. As soon as I felt the urge to say something in anger, I practiced self-control — closing my lips until I could speak with grace and kindness. There is nothing anger can do that love can’t do better. Taking a “holy pause” allowed me to respond rightly instead of joining my kids in behaving wrongly.
A few years ago, I held my youngest son’s hand as we walked across a busy parking lot. My older two boys trailed behind whining for ice cream. Such a request was not unheard of, but I didn’t handle this situation well and yelled at them.
My three boys blinked up at me. The look on their faces stabbed my heart. In that moment, I realized I too easily defaulted to hurtful words when I was frustrated.
Have you ever heard yourself say something you promised you wouldn’t say to your children — shaming words such as, “What were you thinking?” or “When will you ever learn”? The Bible says, “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18. My hasty words often left wounds, like those of a sword. I could see this in my children’s dejected expressions.
Here are a few examples of phrases parents can say that bring healing instead of injury.
Instead of: “Don’t take that tone of voice with me, young lady. Go to your room until you can change your attitude!”
Say: “Claire, I love you. Because I love you, I won’t allow you to speak rudely. That tone won’t go well for you in life, and it displeases God. Please try saying that again with kindness and respect. I’m listening,” 1 Corinthians 13:4-5.
Instead of: “Be quiet! I can’t hear myself think!”
Say: “Boys, I need everyone to follow my lead. See how softly I’m speaking right now? I’m sure you don’t realize it because you are having so much fun, but your voices are getting a bit too loud for me. I’d like you to speak no louder than I am right now. If you need to be noisier, that’s okay, but you will need to play outside or go to your bedroom. Thank you!”
Instead of: “If you kids can’t get along then you can just go to your rooms. I’m so tired of all the fighting!”
Say: “I know that you’re struggling right now. I want to help. Is this something you can discuss in normal voices and be good listeners, or do you need me to listen and help you work through it?” 2 Timothy 2:23-25.
Instead of: “Why can’t you ever clean your room or do your homework on time?” Or, “You always mess this up or make us late!”
Say: “Son, we need to work on this area of behavior. I feel a little stuck right now on how to help you, so let’s take a few minutes apart to think and pray about it. Then, I’d like to hear two good ideas from you about how you can improve and how I can help you. I’ll have two good ideas to share with you as well. When we both get frustrated, it doesn’t help, so let’s ask God to give us wisdom and help us problem-solve,” James 1:5.
Our tone of voice and body language will reveal how we really feel when we talk to our kids. Take a “holy pause” before you address your child’s misbehavior so that your own words and actions are not rude or inappropriate. Remember that you don’t have to match their bad behavior with your own. We get to demonstrate the way we want our kids to treat us by first modeling it for them.
One thing I have found to be true is that I can’t parent rightly if I’m empty spiritually. Part of planning the right words to say to my children means planning my own time with the Lord each day so that I’m filled with the fruit of the Spirit, living out the traits of love, joy, kindness and self-control according to Galatians 5:22-23.
When those hard parenting moments come, and they will, what comes out of our mouths will be evidence of whether or not we are in tune with the Lord and His heart for our kids. Planning the right things to say when my children frustrate me is time well spent, and the benefits go far beyond the moment to building a parent-child relationship with no regrets.
I often tell moms that it takes a childhood to fully train a child. That’s 18 years! The transformation from an angry mom to a gentle mom is not something that happens overnight, either.
My mothering now looks far more like the loving, grace-filled parenting that seemed so elusive as I stood outside my sons’ bedroom door. Purposefully breaking the destructive habit of reactionary parenting required humility and commitment, but with God’s help, it was possible.
Amber Lia is a work-at-home mom, blogger, public speaker and author. She and her husband, Guy, own Storehouse Media Group, a faith- and family-friendly TV and film production company based in Los Angeles. Amber has co-authored two books with Wendy Speake, Triggers: Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses and their latest, Parenting Scripts: When What You’re Saying Isn’t Working, Say Something New. Amber is also the author of the Studdy Buddy bible study guide series for parents and children. She and Guy have four young sons. Learn more about Amber at her website, amberlia.com.
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