When Should I Let My Preteen Child Start Dating? Four Key Tips 

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

It’s an age-old question: When should parents let their child start dating? Many parents wrestle with this question—and it’s okay to feel unsure. If your child is already asking, you may feel a mix of concern and curiosity.  

The short answer to this question is – it depends. There are many factors involved. Many parents feel the pressure to just let their preteen or teen date as part of growing up and allowing for autonomy; however, kids need preparation and boundaries to enter such a neurochemically driven relational experience. Here are some ways you can approach the topic with wisdom and grace. 

Why does this question matter to parents today? 

What was once a harmless, one-sided crush in elementary school—more about admiration and curiosity—may be guided by social and cultural influences as your child moves into the preteen years. At the same time, their inner struggle with preteen attraction has begun. All these influences may be pressuring your child to start dating.  

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, the average age kids begin dating is 12-1/2 for boys and 13-1/2 for girls. Most doctors agree, our culture pushes this on our kids too soon.  

Four foundations before you say “Yes” 

Here are four foundational tips and biblical considerations to help determine if your child is ready to date: 

1. Is your preteen trustworthy? Trust is essential for healthy autonomy and healthy relationships. Above all, we are told to “for we aim at what is honorable not only in the Lord’s sight but also in the sight of man” (2 Corinthians 8:21). A child who is ready to socialize in this way demonstrates integrity in word and deed. If trust has been an issue, make this a goal to reestablish before opening up the dating world for your preteen.  

2. Does your child have a humble mindset? Researchers affirm that humility is a key ingredient of healthy relationships. Paul encouraged Christ-followers to stay humble in their dealings with one another, writing “For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned” (Romans 12:3). This mindset allows your preteen to be teachable and more likely to be caring and loving toward whomever they date.   

3. Does your preteen see dating through the lens of a shopping consumer or as a life-giving contributor? In other words, does your preteen know how to care about someone else genuinely without demanding something in return? Like all of us, sometimes kids can’t discern their own motives. Proverbs 16:2 observes, “All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit.” Helping your teen to do so allows them to build a history they want to remember. Other parents count on the good guidance you’ve equipped your child to date with respect and integrity, too. I want a contributor dating my kids! 

4. Do you have an ongoing open conversation with your teen about sex, passionate feelings, and hormones? These are powerful forces. An open dialogue is essential as they navigate an onslaught of intense feelings and thoughts in the dating world. In the eighth chapter of Song of Solomon, the king wisely writes: “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases” (verse 4). Provide them with a clear and healthy vision for love, relationships, and sex. It is important that they understand and are able to hold healthy boundaries with anyone they date. 

When should you let your child start dating? As you respond to your preteen’s question, consider these foundations. In my counseling practice, depending on personality and the main factors listed above, kids are generally not ready for the freedom of dating until somewhere between the ages of 16 and 18. For more practical parenting tips, go to www.focusonparenting.com/parenting and listen to the Practice Makes Parent podcast, featuring Dr. Danny Huerta and Rebecca St. James. 

Quick Answers 

1. How do I talk to my child about dating and sexual boundaries?  

2. How can I help my child handle peer pressure about dating? 

3. What other resources can help me talk to my child about dating?