Focus on the Family
Search

Boundaries with Teens: The Key to Freedom

Equipping your teen with inner strength and a sense of responsibility can feel overwhelming. Learn more about how to build healthy boundaries for your teen concerning their increasing freedom.

Our sons went through all the normal training, conversations and excitement associated with learning to drive. And while my wife and I were happy about our teens’ new level of freedom, we also found that this new autonomy provided an automatic leverage for us as parents. The car keys (and our teens’ desire to keep the privilege of using them) actually helped curb some negative behaviors in our home. In an ironic way, this symbol of freedom provided us with an effective tool to help our boys learn a critical life skill: self-control.

Adolescence is a time of exploring, challenging, thinking through values and questions about God, and longing for freedom. It’s a season when teens don’t want to control their urges or impulses and parents want ultimate control. This tension between parents and teens can produce arguing, power struggles and rebellion. Rather than trying to control a teen’s freedom, parents should place effective boundaries around that freedom so their teen can learn self-control, frustration tolerance and delayed gratification. These skills can help him navigate the teen years and young adult life.

YouTube video

What is a Boundary?

Simply put, it is a property line. A property line defines where your home begins and ends so you are clear about what is yours and what is not. In the same way, a family boundary delineates what is your responsibility in life and what is not. It clarifies what you are for and what you are against — what you will allow and what you will not — all for the purpose of protecting and guarding the family God has given you. Ultimately, a boundary is about taking stewardship over your heart and the heart of your teens: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). Clear boundaries with your teens not only create more order in the family, they also provide a way for teens to mature as they learn how to control their choices.

Whether the issue is minor (curfews, disrespect or chores) or major (drugs or sexual behaviors), there are four elements to consider when setting healthy boundaries:

Love

The first thing adolescents need to know for certain is that you are for them. Your teen may not act like he needs your care, but he does. Listen to him, enter his world and connect with. Your love helps your teen to accept and benefit from his boundaries.

Truth

Be clear and reasonable about the boundary you are setting, otherwise your teen won’t know where the boundary line is. Clarify the requirement for him, “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). For example:

“I want you to make a certain grade point average (commensurate to your teen’s academic ability) because you are capable of it.”

“We are a zero-tolerance home for drugs.”

“You may disagree with me, but disrespectful words, tones or behavior are unacceptable.”

Raising Your Kids to Defend the Faith (1)

Raising Your Kids to Defend Their Faith

“Raising Your Kids to Defend Their Faith” is a series of five short videos that'll help get you started in teaching your kids the fundamentals of Christianity, so they can understand it, explain it, and defend it.

Freedom

For many parents, the hardest part of setting boundaries is the need to affirm that your teen has a choice. He can choose to obey the rule (your boundary) or not; you cannot make a teen obey. So let him know you understand he has both the responsibility to obey and the freedom not to. God does the same thing with His own children: “Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve” (Joshua 24:15). In the world of parents and teens, it goes something like this: “You don’t have to achieve these grades, and I can’t make you. It’s up to you, but I hope you will do it.”

Reality

Your teen needs to know there is a consequence for violating your boundary. Consequences help your adolescent understand the reality of sowing and reaping: “A man reaps what he sows” (Galatians 6:7). So instead of trying to force your teen to make acceptable grades, you set up a consequence that matters to him. It may include grounding; loss of driving time; loss of phone, computer or video electronic privileges; or extra chores. The key is that the consequence should be appropriate for the violation (not too harsh and not too light), and it should be something that matters to your teen. Do your own detective work to find out what your kid cares about.

The good thing about boundaries with teens is that they can become a cultural norm in your home. When you lovingly set and keep boundaries, your teen will begin to accept them and develop internal strength and a sense of responsibility. Boundaries are a part of God’s created order for life — helping all of us grow.

Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, leadership coach and organizational consultant. He is the author or co-author of 27 books, including Boundaries With Teens and the best-seller Boundaries.

About the Author

Read More About:

You May Also Like

Parents frustrated with adult son
Adult Children

Are You Saying the Wrong Things to Your Adult Kids?

Understanding the motives that complicate our communication with our adult kids is necessary for strengthening our relationship with our adult kids. Keep reading to learn how to you approach this age and stage for your adult kids.

Adult Children

When Adult Children Reject the Faith

When adult children reject the faith, questions arise from the emotions and doubt. Learn how to commit to loving your kids in this situation.