How to Raise Strong and Confident Daughters
When your daughter recognizes that you believe in her, she begins to believe in herself, and has confidence to pursue her dreams.
A solid foundation is one of the most important things a parent needs to create in a relationship with their child. Just like a tree, the roots must be set deeply in place before the trunk, branches and fruit can grow
Steadfast love. It’s a phrase we commonly hear in parenting circles and in the church. In the Bible, this phrase is written 195 times. But what does “steadfast love” actually mean? And, furthermore, how can we demonstrate it in our parenting?
God shows us what He means by “steadfast love” throughout the Bible. It is a love that is unwavering, never changing. It is an invitation to a relationship founded on trust and acceptance no matter what. There is nothing that we can do, as God’s children, to make Him love us any more than He already does. Likewise, there is nothing that we can do to cause Him to love us less. God’s love never fails and is always promised to us.
As parents, we mirror the steadfast love of God to our children. We love them no matter what. There is nothing that they can do to gain our love, or remove it. Our relationship with our children is like a garden — we must nurture it with steadfast love in order for a solid foundation and growth to happen.
In the spring, my family and I enjoy getting outside and planting herbs, flowers and maybe even a new tree or two in our yard. Working hard together in the warm sunlight and watching our garden flourish over the coming months is something we all enjoy.
Digging in the dirt as we plant new flowers reveals a dark brown or black layer of soil called humus. Humus is created by broken down organic material in the soil. Its dark color allows the soil around the plants to stay warm, and it acts like a sponge. Humus allows water and nutrients to penetrate deeply into the soil so that a plant or a tree can grow deep roots.
Much like humus, steadfast love allows us to create deep roots in our relationship with our children and with God. The words humus and humility both come from the Greek word humilitas – which means “grounded.” Steadfast love requires humility. If we practice humility in our parenting, it will create deeply rooted relationships with our children that not even the strongest storms can topple.
Parenting is not a destination, but a journey. We are invited to participate in what God is doing in our children’s lives. We must remember that parenting is not about being perfect, but about learning and growing. Not only can we grow individually, but we can grow as parents when we join our child on their journey. Ephesians 4:15 tells us, that “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.” Ephesians also talks about being a part of the household of God and the importance of unity.
A solid foundation is one of the most important things a parent needs to create in a relationship with their child. Just like a tree, the roots must be set deeply in place before the trunk, branches and fruit can grow. Imagine that your child’s needs are like a tree. Their physical needs, such as food, are the roots; these needs must be addressed first. Then, as a parent, you can begin to guide their emotional growth, which could be seen as the tree’s trunk. With the roots and trunk in place, you can begin to teach your children through the seasons of life and watch the fruit grow.
But what happens when your child makes poor decisions or choices that require tough love?
We must remember that our job as parents is not to make our kids happy, or to gain their love or friendship. They’ll mess up, make mistakes and disobey. As a family therapist, I have come alongside some families in difficult places. Our primary focus as parents is to love our children through every storm and season. And sometimes that requires tough love, boundaries and discipline that are part of a trusting and emotionally safe relationship.
When our kids make choices that are self-destructive and not acceptable, it is easy to react and either want to tightly control the situation or give up and disconnect. Neither one of these parenting techniques tends to generate good results and can even cause a serious rift in the relationship with your children. As parents, we must maintain emotional engagement with our kids, even when we may not feel like it.
Tough love may be needed when our children are making poor decisions, getting into bad relationships, manipulating others or doing things that may threaten their safety or the safety of others. As parents, we often want to swoop in and save the day — rescuing them from the obstacles and stumbling blocks they may face. But sometimes the most effective way for our children to learn and grow is to allow them to face those challenges. Falling gives our children the lesson of how to pick themselves back up.
Many teens are drawn to immediate rewards such as feeling better, being accepted by peers or gaining status. Their love of immediate rewards can lead them to poor decisions such as vaping, drug use, alcohol use and sex. As parents we are wanting them to avoid having to pay the ”poor decision tax,” which can be costly, but we can’t ignore the great opportunity to explore what they are truly seeking. Tough love as part of steadfast love is about being attuned and available when your child is struggling and taking the time to listen, talk and repair.
Your choice to handle a situation with tough love should never be in response to the heat of the moment. Tough love is about looking at the big picture and long-term journey that your child is taking. When you must give your child tough love, be sure to think about how your actions will impact and guide your child for years to come.
Situations that require tough love also open up a natural opportunity for you to connect with your child and share your story with them. These teachable moments are a great chance to share where you might have encountered a similar situation, and how you handled it.
Being authentic and open with your kids is an excellent way to show steadfast love in helping them through challenges of their own. This requires a lot of discernment, because not all stories are helpful. One way to be authentic in your parenting is to honestly share your own past experiences that pertain to their current situation, but prayerfully consider the importance, helpfulness and relevance of the story.
When your child is going through a difficult situation and chooses to share something about it with you, that’s a great moment to ask, “Hey, can I tell you a story?” This is an opportunity to share your own experiences and how you learned and grew through the situation you faced. It’s important to focus more on the growth and learning that you achieved, rather than the actual mistake or situation itself. Next, be sure to frame the situation as a place where you got stuck or lost some freedom. Children can tend to think, “You got to have some fun, why can’t I?” when it comes to our stories if it is not clearly explained that it was damaging. Finally, when you’ve finished with your story, emphasize that you hope your child can learn from it, and not have to make the same mistakes you did.
Remember to keep the story you share with your children relevant to the situation that they are facing. The story should keep the long-term focus of teaching your child and encouraging their growth.
Showing our children steadfast love, as God first demonstrated to us, will help create a solid relationship with them, and will be vital in helping them grow as humans and in Christ. Things will not always be easy, but raising children is a wonderful journey where both the parent and child can grow individually, grow together and grow toward Christ.
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