Many of us cringe at the thought of ‘the talk.’ Whether we think back on our own experiences, reflect on our parents’ awkward style discuss the ‘birds and the bees,’ […]
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Many of us cringe at the thought of ‘the talk.’ Whether we think back on our own experiences, reflect on our parents’ awkward style discuss the ‘birds and the bees,’ or consider how we’ll talk to our own teenagers, healthy conversations about sex seem like an impossible task. Yet, teenagers are at a great stage of life for real conversations about sex. Not only are teens immersed in a regular cultural battle of truth and lies, but young people have plenty of questions developing as they move through the high school years. The answers teens receive in their youth will help form their worldviews as they go off to university, move out, or begin a career.
Over a period of three years, The Fuller Youth Institute conducted a study where they found over 70% of church-going high schoolers reported serious doubts about faith, but less than ½ shared these doubts with anyone.1 Many of their doubts related to the church’s silence or apparent shame in matters of sex, sexuality, and gender. Devastatingly, these doubts were likely wonderful opportunities for their families to disciple their teens.
As mentioned in my earlier article, parents need to be proactive in their familial education about sex. Teenagers already have formed views on dating, body image, porn, abortion, gay marriage, and other controversial topics. I’ve fielded countless questions from curious teens in my 15 years as a sex ed teacher. Some of those questions might shock their Christian parents. In my curriculum, I’ve created lessons for teens on a plethora of topics with language designed to have conversations organically and regularly about sex. Whether you’ve raised your kids in a home which doesn’t shy away from this topic, or you’re just getting started talking about sex, I have four pieces of advice I’d like to offer you, born out of my years of experience in the classroom.
By 2024 we no longer saw the validity in a one-time ‘talk’ or a metaphorical conversation about the ‘birds and the bees.’ These antiquated ideas of sex-ed for kids were usually infrequent and inadequate at best, or harmful at worst. Overall, this style of teaching leaves kids with unanswered questions and a serious lack of Christian worldview on important topics. Discipleship is a long process and not done with simple answers. The reason we call Jesus’ “12 disciples” as such is because He walked alongside them for years, much like we are doing with our children. God has called us to “go, therefore and make disciples” (Matthew 28:19).
As parents, we recognize that this command applies to our families. It means we are leading, fellowshipping, and communing with our teens. Yet Christian community has often left their kids high and dry on the topic of sex. Together, we can stop this cycle as we frequently engage with our kids on important topics like sex and gender. When we do this in regular conversations, we combat Satan’s lies by shedding light on God’s truth in word and action.
When teens hear poor answers to their questions, they can see right through it. They are no longer in childish wonder at the world around them, trusting every word of the authorities in their life. On the contrary, teens are seeking to understand answers they receive with more clarity. Whether a parent gives an unhelpful response, replies with a “white lie,” displays harsh body language, uses a harsh tone or voice, or gives a careless answer, teens will take note and move forward in a different direction.
If you aren’t answering thoughtfully, someone else will. Adults should never seek to communicate that they aren’t taking children’s questions seriously. When you are responding to challenging questions from a curious mind, remember what Paul shares with the community in Philippi:
Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:4-7)
We are called to seek answers in prayer, squelch fear with peaceful hearts, and respond with truth-filled answers. Your teens are searching for these things as they question their world. If they don’t find answers in the church or in Christian families, they’ll look elsewhere for clarity, which leads me to my third piece of advice.
While it may feel more comfortable to avoid difficult topics in the home, please don’t erroneously believe that your kids don’t need to talk about them. Teenagers are not blind to the world around them, just as you weren’t. Recall that you are discipling and forming your child as long as you parent. Your children feel influence. They see you modeling healthy relationships, marriage, and living out biblical values.
If you don’t talk with them, the world will provide tailor-made answers which may feel good or make sense to a curious teen mind. As their young brain develops, help them form a framework of truth including a foundation of God as Creator. When I teach sex ed, I always seek to communicate that God and His plans are trustworthy. This idea is a regular theme throughout the Bible. As chaotic as the Old and New Testament communities were, Christ came into the world as a trustworthy Savior who has good plans for us in times of trouble.
When parents hesitate to discuss challenging cultural trends, teens find other engaging and comfortable places to go for answers. For example, our culture is more than happy to form a teenager’s views on abortion when Christian families aren’t willing to discuss the topic with them. Parents may have good intentions in hesitating to bring up difficult topics, but their fears leave kids lacking. Communication about our intentions and purposes in conversations, while reiterating that we are a safe place to come with questions, is incredibly freeing for young people.
Whether you’re listening to the news together, scrolling social media, watching a movie, or listening to music, regularly ask your teenager what they think about what they’re consuming. Is it shocking to them that the main character would manipulate their spouse? Why or why not? What would your teen do in that same situation? With all the news about abortion and “gender affirming care,” what are their friends’ responses? What view does your family have and does the teen understand why?
Many parents I talk with simply ‘shut off’ any media that might insinuate or allude to differing views. While shutting off media could be the best option (especially with explicit scenes or information), it’s far better to engage the material with your teenager after seeing it. If they see or hear it, ask them about it! This provides you with many possibilities for deep conversation.
The opportunity could be a commercial for birth control, a sexual ad, a reference to a marital affair, an allusion to porn usage or masturbation, or an unhealthy dating scenario. Entering into conversations about these topics shows teens you’re not afraid to discuss hard topics. You have important views you’d like to share with them. You care what they think and you’re a safe place for discussion.
As you consider these four pieces of advice, recall God’s words in Isaiah 41:10: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand,” (NIV).
Even in discussions like the ones mentioned above, God is present. Moreover, His Holy Spirit will guide your words if you ask. We do not need to fear our world since God is on the throne. He is sovereign, and He has given us the same power Christ Himself had access to. Part of the privilege we have as parents is that we oversee our teenager’s growth and formation during their childhood years. We have an opportunity to know our teens well and care for them as they go through tumultuous years.
Additionally, we get the chance to disciple teens in matters of gender, sex, and more. This reality should not be perceived as a challenge, but as an incredible opportunity that the Lord has called us to. Participating in many conversations over the course of a child’s life, answering questions honestly, confronting hard conversations, and utilizing everyday opportunities for discussion, changes a child’s worldview and helps them form a relationship with the Creator Himself as they grow. There are no more important tasks than that.
Kristen Miele is a sexual health educator as well as the owner and founder of Sex Ed Reclaimed. She provides Christian families with a full video library of biblically based, age-appropriate sexual health education for kids ages 3 to 18. Her curriculum is available on www.sexedreclaimed.com. Kristen lives in Columbus, Ohio with her husband and two daughters.
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