The best way to ease visitation for my children was to welcome them home with a warm embrace and the gift of decompression time.
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
“Did you have fun?” I kept my voice upbeat as I welcomed them home.
“Hum hmm,” was the usual mumbled reply.
They wanted me to ask, to be interested. When the children returned after visiting with their dad, they often felt awkward about the situation. And rightly so. This was not how family life was supposed to go, or how it was supposed to look. They were glad to know Mom cared about them. Yet they were sometimes unsure how to answer.
How could I ease the visitation for my children after divorce?
A child carries a heavy load when there are deep areas of their life they don’t feel comfortable sharing with parents. Conversely, it is tricky for a parent to nurture a child when there are veiled places the child keeps from us.
If they had a good time, would that news be painful to Mom? If the time was unpleasant, would that be hurtful because I was not able to protect them from another negative experience? Suddenly the children recognized that their parents strongly reacted to what they shared.
Could the children trust the questions of their parents? Was the question because the parent was interested in the child? Or was the parent mining for information to wield against the ex-spouse? Should a child invite a friend to come along? Or will that friend be subjected to drama and interrogating questions?
How would the scheduled visitation impact the child’s social calendar? If the parents were together, the child would continue lessons, sports, summer camp, and friends. Can visits be made around these events or will the weekend parent keep the child’s scheduled commitments?
“What will you do while we are gone?” This was from the younger children.
“Let me know what you will be doing so I won’t worry about you,” I heard from my older children.
They wanted to know I would be all right when we were apart in this unnatural state of family.
The children and I fared best when I sent them off for their visitation with a smile and wishes for a great time. My positive attitude eased the visitation for my children after divorce, set them up for success, and helped eliminate the guilt they naturally felt for leaving me behind.
I fought my own anger and bitterness when they visited their dad. What a strange state of affairs when the only one not invited, not included, is the mother. That vow to love, honor, and cherish made before God, family, and friends had crumbled into costly attorneys and court orders that dictated where, when, and with whom my children spent their time.
Drinking, eating myself stupid, sinking into despair, being foolish with men, or other destructive actions were not options. They might be tempting, but they are not productive. Nor were such things in line with our family standards, or my relationship with the Lord. Those choices would hurt me and my children. That behavior would do the opposite of easing visitation for my child.
“Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ,” instructs Ephesians 5:21. Relationship is rooted in communication, companionship, and mutual submission. It is putting the needs of another before my own. That is precisely what Christ did. He put my needs before his own and met them. He humbled himself to the point of death on a cross on my behalf.
His is the love story of a heavenly bridegroom, who — no matter how often I betray him by preferring recognition, possessions, or other relationships — loves me so much that he faithfully pursues me and gave his very life for me. We will celebrate this great love story in the marriage ceremony described in the final chapter of Revelation.
With Christ’s example of what to do, I discovered I could ease the visitation for my child and myself. Those difficult days were opportune to schedule a hair appointment, enjoy time with a friend, do holiday shopping, or meet with the tax accountant. I used those days to write, attend a conference, visit people and places, teach, and go on retreats.
Because we were all uncomfortable with the situation, the children felt better when they knew I was pleasantly occupied. And when I maintained a positive perspective I was more delightful to come home to.
Micah 6:8 says, “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” My children fared well when I remained consistent with family standards and confident in my role as their mother. We both needed to trust that I would choose wisely. They needed a mom who was calm and leaned on the Lord. “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore,” (Psalm 16:11).
Then the children came home and it felt like family again: rich and full, connected, belonging, rooted. Creative and messy. Serious and hilariously funny. Deep and witty. Fruits and vegetables and our famous homemade brownies and floss your teeth and yes you can stay up fifteen more minutes. It was Fur Elise perpetually played on the piano; hot chocolate made with cocoa, honey, cinnamon and ginger every morning; dishes piled in the sink because no one put them in the dishwasher; mounds of laundry we affectionately referred to as Mt. Never-rest; chalk on the driveway, playing dollhouse, Dutch Blitz marathons, fishing a lego piece from the vacuum, occasional burp-offs, reading stories aloud, and speaking in movie quotes.
“I feel at ease,” described my daughter.
“We are a mix of Little Women and The Odd Couple,” my teenager observed.
Relaxing with a light-hearted comedy film facilitated the transition. Careful not to press them with questions, I remained open in case they wanted to talk. That might be later or even the next day. Sometimes it was days later. Sometimes not at all.
The challenging aspect for me was to constantly act like an adult and travel the high road whether I felt like it or not. No, it’s not fair or easy, yet it was what love required.
What are your send-off and reentry traditions to ease the visitation for your child after divorce?
PeggySue Wells is a speaker and author who was raised by her single mother. PeggySue also became a single parent when her husband separated after 20 years of marriage, leaving her and their seven kids. PeggySue Wells is the founder of SingleMomCircle.com. A website that provides resources for single moms parenting their kids. Learn more from PeggySue at PeggySueWells.com.
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