September 10, 2025
Learn how to approach awkward conversations about sexual behavior with your teen. Explore some tips and strategies for these conversations so you can prioritize your relationship over “getting it right.”
Estimated reading time: 12 minutes
Parents are the very best ones to talk to teens about sexual behavior.
“What is outercourse?” your teen asks one night after your family finished dinner.
Despite his or her age, you begin to realize that your teen is losing his or her innocence when it comes to sexual behavior among peers. The first thing for any parent to do in situations involving sexual behaviors is take a deep breath. Push away those images of your once 6-year-old playing with LEGOS or Polly Pockets. Then, welcome the challenge of raising the teen standing before you. Like it or not, you’re in the trenches.
Outercourse is sex. It entails any form of sexual play that does not involve anal or vaginal penetration. Common forms of outercourse include mutual masturbation, oral sex, body-to-body rubbing, erotic massage, explicit sexual conversation and sex toys. Many sex education curricula, including those provided by Planned Parenthood, promote outercourse to teens as a form of what they call safer sex.
This is mainly because outercourse eliminates the possibility of pregnancy and minimizes the risk of contracting many sexually transmitted infections. Outercourse is encouraged as a healthy activity for teens by those organizations. Mainly, because it teaches teens about their bodies and helps them derive pleasure from sexual activity.
With this advice coming from adult “experts,” it’s no wonder that teens are catching on to the idea. And Christian teens are no exception. In fact, I have spoken with more than one teen who has confided that some youth pastors promote outercourse as a viable way to stay pure through the temptations of teen dating.
As a result, Christian teens are getting the message that they can preserve their virginity while enjoying everything but intercourse, and they experience the thrill and intimacy of sex without compromising their purity. This concept is “technical virginity.” To eliminate the confusion around this term, parents must proactively address the issue with teens.
Your teens are desperate for you to help them set boundaries. Questions such as “What is sex?” and “How far is too far?” need to be addressed by you, not a sex-ed teacher, peers or even a youth pastor. Begin by clearly stating that outercourse is sex.
Look up sex in the dictionary, and you will find a wordy biological definition that won’t mean much to a teen getting ready to go on a date. Here’s a definition that should stick: Sex is any behavior between two people that involves stimulating the genitals (this can include touching or explicit talk about sexual arousal).
Help your teens understand that there is a clear difference between platonic and romantic expressions of affection. People naturally express love to parents, children and friends through hugging, a kiss on the face, holding hands or putting an arm around the shoulder. Expressions beyond those, as benign as they may appear, involve stepping down the road toward sexual intimacy.
By nature, romantic physical affection is designed to build toward the process of arousal. Usually, the intended conclusion is sexual release and climax. The intent of outercourse is to provide stimulation and release without crossing the line of intercourse. Even so, it often leads to intercourse because it is so stimulating. Outercourse is obviously sexual in nature and intended for marriage.
Teaching your children about God’s purpose for sexuality is the most important part of this discussion. Make sure you clearly define and answer questions; also talk about God’s awesome creation. Equip your teens in the battle of purity. Begin with an emphasis that they are set apart for marriage. Then, you can go a step further and highlight God’s purpose.
What is abstinence? It may be a common question for your kids, especially as they enter the tween and teen years. As a parent, you contain the key to unlocking the potential of conversations involving sex, sexuality, sexuality identity.
High school students are sexually active. There’s no denying this reality. Because of this parents are desperately seeking effective ways to protect their children’s sexual purity and virginity. Abstinence provides an important conversation for you and your children.
Sadly, many traditional methods of sexual prevention prove unsuccessful. In some cases, medical approaches to sexual prevention are even harmful to your children’s sexual and emotional health. As you read consider your family values, as well as spiritual convictions. Consider your child’s personality as well. Finally, develop a philosophy before you even begin conversations with your kids about abstinence.
Conversations about sex and sexual behavior are awkward. They’re even more awkward with our kids. It’s easy to feel flustered and overwhelmed before these moments. So, it’s important to create boundaries and talking points based on age-appropriate values. Let’s take a look at three common mistakes parents make:
Just because we have a conviction that sex is reserved for marriage does not mean our kids share that belief. Convictions require convincing, which is possible through convincing arguments or evidence. When we warn our kids not to have premarital sex simply “because I said so,” we are failing to provide the logical explanations and compelling reasons necessary for cultivating convictions. As a result, our kids learn to avoid getting caught having sex rather than avoiding premarital sex altogether.
While we should spend ample time discussing the serious risks of STDs and pregnancy with our teenagers, our approach to instilling abstinence should also include the spiritual and emotional implications of sex. Otherwise, kids are likely to conclude that as long as they protect against disease and pregnancy, there’s nothing wrong with premarital sex.
While youth programs and church services can be highly beneficial, parents must take the lead in training their children. We should utilize church programs but focus our efforts on at-home measures.
Here are a few ways to effectively convey the importance of abstinence to our kids:
Risks include unplanned pregnancy and the spread of STDs.
Consider: The United States continues to have one of the highest teen pregnancy and abortion rates in the developed world. Due to both biological and behavioral factors, teens are at a greater risk for acquiring STDs. Research proves that nearly one-half of all newly infected STD cases in 2000 (the most recent year for data) was among teens and young adults ages 15-24. Although youth are at a higher risk for STD infection, only one-third of sexually active teens are tested for STDs.
God’s Word says that sex outside of marriage is wrong — not because God wants to inhibit pleasure but because He knows what’s for our best.
Consider: Matthew 15:19-20; Mark 7:20-22; 1 Corinthians 6:12-13; 1 Corinthians 6:18-20; Galatians 5:19-21; Ephesians 5:3; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4
Birth control cannot protect a heart from the bonding and hurt that come when teens are sexually active. Research supports the fact that sexually active teens are at a greater risk for emotional stress, depression and even suicide.
Within the Christian culture, there’s been a referendum on the topic of sexual purity for teenagers. Face-palming its way from the purity ring culture and lessons on abstinence, christians unfortunately don’t always know what to say when sexual purity comes up in conversation.
At its core, the idea of purity creates a black-and-white situation for our teens. Instead of framing sex as God’s beautiful gift to his creation, sexual purity conversations frame sex as an all-or-nothing endeavor. Replacing sexual purity with sexual wholeness helps your teen develop a healthy sense of biblical sexuality.
“I don’t like friends thinking I’m some kind of prude.”
The girl sitting in my office made one thing clear. She didn’t enjoy her reputation as the innocent
teen who didn’t understand the sexual culture of high school. Her parents reported that she was
enduring a difficult environment. She was under serious pressure from friends to participate in and approve of their lifestyles.
Sadly, this wasn’t the first time I’d heard a young person express that sentiment. The language
varies. But Christian kids have long voiced the same concern.
I don’t like feeling weird and uncool.
Being different can be difficult. But we can help our kids recognize that being “set apart” from our
world helps us honor God with our lives.
The word prude didn’t always have such a negative meaning. In Old French, the original word referred to a woman worthy of respect. A prudefemme was generally seen as wise, good and virtuous. Today, the term is used to criticize someone as being self-righteous, excessively modest or unwilling to do something sexually.
I want to teach my kids that original concept of a prude — to be men and women who value virtue and strive to reflect such values at school and with their friends. This goal requires two things. First, teaching them about God’s design for human sexuality. Then, inspiring them to hold true to those values while living in a culture that rejects His ways.
It’s critical that parents are the ones to teach their kids about God’s design for marriage and sex.
Kids are going to learn about sex, often much earlier than parents are comfortable with. Who do we
want them to learn from? The kids at school? The internet? Children benefit when their parents are
the primary source of information about marriage and sex.
We must continually help our kids recognize the basic truth that Christians live by higher values than the broader culture. Unfortunately, our secular peers may be hostile to those values. But not conforming to the culture’s ways is simply part of the territory of the Christian faith (Romans 12:2).
Let’s challenge and inspire our kids to exercise virtue and prudence as they establish the
architecture of their life.
—Danny Huerta, vice president of Parenting and Youth at Focus on the Family
I asked my son Nathan, who is 24 years old and has been committed to sexual purity since he was a teenager, what he sees as the most important factor for staying sexually pure. His answer, in one word: accountability.
As a dad, I admire the intentional and consistent example of my friend Harold in this regard. For a number of years, he has individually taken his two teen sons for breakfast once a month. with the intention of asking Will and Luke how they are doing spiritually and how each is handling sexual temptation.
Sexual temptation comes with being human. Harold and I understand this. In years past, my family subscribed to an Internet filter service for our two home computers and Nathan’s laptop. More recently we downloaded a free software program from the Internet that records the names of questionable Internet sites visited and regularly sends e-mails listing those sites to one or two accountability partners.
Nathan has chosen his girlfriend and me to be his accountability partners. He also continues to meet with three guys who attended his youth group. They keep each other accountable both in staying pure and in other areas of their lives.
—Andrew Sloan
Teen girls are more likely to remain sexually pure when boundaries are defined. However, that’s not everything. Your teen girl will also benefit when they’re given a clear understanding of why God cares so much about her sexual purity and wholeness.
Parents can encourage their daughter to solidify her desire for godliness by having her write letters to her future husband and to God, expressing her promise of abstinence until marriage. After signing and dating the letters, she can put them in a safe place, assuring herself that no one else will read them. (It might be helpful for her to reread the letters occasionally as a reminder of her commitment.)
Each year, celebrate the anniversary of her pledge by honoring her with a special gift — a family heirloom, jewelry or a getaway for just mother and daughter. Meaningful gifts will demonstrate how important her accomplishment is. Use this celebration time to discuss the previous year’s struggles and victories. Then, develop open, honest communication with your daughter to build her trust in your relationship and counsel.
—Renee Gray-Wilburn
—Erin Prate
Answering questions concerning outercourse or any sexual matter should always lead to teaching about the incredible gifts of being chaste and reserving sex for marriage. Sexuality is far more precious than most people — especially your children — generally understand.
God created sexual behavior as an intimate bond between husband and wife. Expressing sexuality within a covenant relationship cements a couple’s commitment to one another. Scripture says that it makes two people so close that they become one flesh. This involves not only physical intimacy, but also emotional, mental and spiritual closeness.
God tells people not to engage in sexual behavior outside of marriage because He wants to protect His people. Having sex or sexual contact with someone before marriage creates an emotional closeness. After a break-up, that closeness intensifies the hurt. Sexuality expressed outside of marriage has a devastating effect, chipping away at the emotional wholeness of a person.
Taking initiative in conversations about sex, sexuality, and sexual behavior with your teens will only benefit their development and eventual transition into adulthood. Commit to establishing a strong and healthy foundation for your teen on these topics. Finally, consider how you can come alongside your teen to support and encourage their development in these critical years of their life.
Dr. Juli Slattery is a clinical psychologist, author and the co-founder of Authentic Intimacy, a ministry dedicated to reclaiming God’s design for sexuality. In addition to speaking, she hosts the weekly podcast Java with Juli. In 2020, Juli launched Sexual Discipleship®, an online platform to equip Christian leaders for gospel-centered conversations about sexual issues. Juli served at Focus on the Family from 2008 to 2012 as a writer, teacher and co-host of the Focus on the Family Broadcast. She’s the author of 12 books, including God, Sex, & Your Marriage and Rethinking Sexuality. She and her husband live in Akron, Ohio, and have three grown sons.
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