September 1, 2025
When tweens and teens are experiencing psychological distress, they may cut themselves to cope with the emotional pain.
Estimated reading time: 11 minutes
When life gets hard, sometimes kids harm themselves via cutting in order to express their psychological distress. Although it may be alarming to parents, a son or daughter’s cutting is a call for help and a way to cope with emotional pain.
The most common form of self-mutilation is slicing or slashing with a knife, razor blade, shard of glass or other sharp object. Cuts are made on the arms, legs and wrists, but some people cut on less noticeable areas of the body. Other forms of self-harm include hitting one’s head against a wall, rubbing skin with erasers or burning one’s skin. The relief obtained by harming oneself is a short-term attempt to cope with emotional pain. However, the feelings of relief can become addictive.
Contrary to any preconceived notions about self-mutilation, cutting is not an attempt at suicide. Instead, it signifies intense emotional pain. Those who self-injure explain it is the only way they know how to deal with the pain they feel, giving an impression of having control over a difficult past and present.
“People who haven’t cut can’t understand how it can make you feel better… but it does. It’s like bursting a huge bubble,” Lori said. “You feel like you are going to explode and you don’t know what to do with the emotional pain. When you cut, there is a kind of release or freedom in it. Then, it’s like an emotional high. You release all this pain that’s been building and building. Like any addiction, it’s a coping mechanism.”
Dr. Wendy Lader, clinical director of Safe Alternative, a hospital-based program that helps self-injurers, makes it clear that cutting is more than just trying to deal with stress or running from a painful past. She says it is a cry for help.
“Skin is a bulletin board,” she says. “They’re saying, ‘Can you see how much pain I’m in?'”
Experts estimate that up to 23% of adolescents practice self-injury, almost equally divided between male and female. According to researchers, nearly 50 percent report physical and/or sexual abuse during his or her childhood. Inadequate parental nurturing or a suppression of emotions, like anger or sadness, may also contribute.
As a result of these tragic situations, teens don’t feel free to express their feelings to family, friends, or people in trust — the outgrowth of which are some of these negative emotions:
When asked why they cut, they may give reasons such as, “It helps me release emotional pain,” “to release anger,” “to punish myself,” “to relieve guilt,” or “to feel alive.”
Prior to self-injury, the cutter may feel overwhelming emotions and think thoughts like, “I hate myself,” “I’m so ugly,” “I want someone to care about me,” “I hate my life,” or “I’m stupid.” He or she feels compelled to cut to reduce these emotions by disassociating herself from the injuries she feels.
Many adults can’t understand why teens would harm themselves. However, cutting is a call for help to deal with unbearable hurt, anger, and feelings of isolation and self-hatred. Self-injury gives some teens a temporary feeling of being in control when their world seems out of control. The pain is a reminder that they are still alive and provides a break from the emotional hurt. In addition, the physical wounds show healing whereas emotional pain lingers.
People engaged in self-injury are typically not trying to commit suicide, but the physical harm that results can be serious. Wounds may become infected, deep cuts can require stitches, and self-inflicted blows to the head may cause concussions.
Cutting isn’t a fringe phenomenon, unfortunately. About 2 million cases of cutting are reported each year, with many more cases unreported. Ask most high school students (and even many middle school kids) and they will tell you they know someone who is cutting to cope with emotional pain. In fact, a subculture of cutting flourishes on the Internet, with websites dedicated to providing guidance on how to cut safely or not get caught.
Although cutting is a call for help for relief from psychological distress, it is also an indicator of communication problems. Unable to verbalize and appropriately deal with their feelings, cutters adopt unhealthy means to cope with emotional pain and then have to deal with feelings of shame from their actions. You can reduce the likelihood your child will engage in cutting by:
When cutting is a call for help, you may see:
If you notice these signs in your child, start a conversation and remain calm—which is easier said than done. You could say something like, “I’ve noticed some scars on your arms. I love you, and I want to understand what you’re going through. Can you help me understand?” You could also ask questions, such as: “I’ve been hearing about cutting lately, and I was wondering if you know anyone who hurts themselves,” or “Have any of your friends at school been talking about cutting?”
Don’t downplay the issue as “a phase” or a simple “cry for help.” While those who cut typically do not intend suicide, research suggests that 70 percent of kids who engage in self-harm will make at least one suicide attempt.
Don’t demand that your child stop under threat of punishment or rejection, as this may just make the problem worse. Let your child know that you genuinely care and that she doesn’t have to cope with emotional pain by cutting. Do what you can to create an environment that encourages discussion.
Try to hold a glass of water with your arm extended for as long as you can. Does it get heavier the longer you hold it? Your muscles get tired and the glass feels heavier, even though the weight never changes. Emotional pain can feel the same way.
You can use this illustration to help your child understand the concept of letting things go. Identify trustworthy people in her life who can help her learn to release emotional pain in healthy ways. If your child doesn’t struggle with cutting, he can use this illustration to help a friend who does. He can show that emotional pain can become heavier over time. Furthermore, he can demonstrate the importance of finding healthy ways to cope with emotional pain.
This is a serious problem, and you should not try to address it alone. Seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience in this area. Some forms of counseling attempt to equip the teen with coping skills and articulate her feelings. She may also learn to tolerate stress more effectively. This may be the focus of therapy even before the actual cutting is addressed. The idea is that if you stop the cutting but your teen can’t cope with the emotional pain in a healthy way, self-harm is likely to recur.
You can help your child reach out to a teen who is cutting by equipping her with the right words to say. Your teen can communicate to her friend that she is not alone, that someone cares about her. She can also assure her friend that your teen is a safe person to talk to. Your child should also encourage someone who’s cutting to talk to a parent, school counselor or another trusted adult. Her friend may ask her to keep the cutting a secret, but some secrets keep others in danger. Let your teen know that to be a good friend, she needs to tell someone who can help.
Since age ten. Lori has cried for hours while resisting the urge to cut herself. Some days, long sleeves and pants covered the shame of her bleeding scars. Other days, when the temptation didn’t attack her, hope swelled.
Now that the up-and-down emotional rollercoaster has reached a plateau, she can proudly say she’s made great strides in her fight against self-mutilation.
How? Through lots of love and Christian counseling.
When Lori talked about cutting, she shared how friends and family can help a friend or loved one.
If you know someone who cuts, walk a mile in her shoes. She may feel like the world is unsafe, maybe since childhood. Maybe she has suffered neglect or physical, sexual or emotional abuse. Maybe she’s been robbed of her self-esteem. Because she can’t trust herself or others, she copes by cutting herself.And like any compulsion, the problem can’t go away at a whim.Lori says don’t demand that he or she instantly quit. It doesn’t help. It’s like telling an alcoholic to never drink again or a sex addict to simply stop looking at pornography. It can also make the cutter feel condemned and even more compelled to cut.”When someone told me to stop,” she said, “it just made me want to do it more because I felt like they were trying to take away my only ability to cope with life.”
While concern is normal, don’t act frightened when you discover someone you know or love is practicing self-injury. Steven Levenkron says that to effectively help a self-injurer, above all, you must exhibit confidence.”If the self-mutilator sees signs of anxiety or nervousness on the part of the helper,” he says, “that will make her disinterested and unreceptive to the offer of help from this person.” Levenkron, Steven (1998) Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutiliation. New York, NY: reprinted by Lion’s Crown Publishing.When you understand that cutting is not usually an attempt at suicide or a way to get attention, but an outward sign of emotional distress, it can help you remain calm.
It’s important not to overreact, but you shouldn’t ignore the problem, either. Find a professional counselor, therapist or physician who is familiar with self-mutilation. By her own admission, Lori did not welcome the intrusion; she didn’t want help. Now she’s grateful to those who intervened on her behalf.Be aware that the cutter in your life may be completely opposed to help.”I hated [my counselor] at first, and I didn’t trust her,” Lori says. “I thought she was just another person who would abandon me.”
“You can’t force anyone to get help,” Lori says. “But you can love them into a place to get help.”Be careful what you say. Lori says there are several things not to say to a cutter. “You are really messed up.” This statement is condemning, and for someone who already feels out of control, it reinforces feelings of powerlessness.
“I could never do that to myself. It would hurt too much.”Lori says that this makes the cutter feel more shame. Family and friends need to realize that self-mutilation is not about them, and they should refrain from injecting their personal feelings into it.
“You don’t need to do this.” This doesn’t help because the cutter does feel that they have to do it to help them cope with life.
“I’ll never leave you.” It’s okay to say this if you mean it, but don’t say it to make the self-injurer feel better. Faithfulness practiced over a period of time speaks louder than words.
If you cut yourself or you know someone who does, we can’t give reasons why you or a loved one struggles with self-mutilation. We can offer courage to find help from a professional, licensed counselor or therapist — for you or for someone else.
The journey to find wholeness shouldn’t be taken alone. Take the first step. Contact Focus on the Family at 1-800-A-Family if you struggle with this addiction. Ask for the Counseling department, and a licensed, Christian counselor will make sure you won’t have to make this journey alone.
Vice President, Parenting and Youth
Dr. Huerta oversees Focus’ initiatives that equip mothers and fathers with biblical and research based principles and guidance for raising healthy, resilient children rooted in a thriving faith in Christ.
Dr. Huerta is a bilingual psychologist, licensed clinical social worker, author of 7 Traits of Effective Parenting, and co-author of Focus on the Family’s Age and Stage resource, and various other resources. He is also the co-host and expert on the Focus on Parenting and the Practice Makes Parent podcasts.
For many years, he has provided families with practical, biblically-based, and research-based parenting advice on key parenting topics. He has been interviewed by various media outlets including Fox News, Fatherly, Christianity Today, WORLD Magazine, The Christian Post and CBN, and regularly speaks on Christian radio stations and podcasts across the United States. He’s also written for various publications and is a regular speaker at retreats, conventions, family camps, online events worldwide, and on various social media channels.
Dr. Huerta has maintained a private practice serving families in Colorado Springs since 2003 and has also served families as an employee of Focus on the Family since 2004.
He and his wife, Heather, love the outdoors, have been married since 1997, and love spending time with their two adult children.
Read More About:
“Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:4 (NIV) Tweet “A watched pot will never boil.” I remember hearing my
How does this parenting style really play out in practical ways?
Equip your teen to deal with the temptation and peer pressure related to pornography.
