From Helicopter Parent to Lighthouse Parent

Estimated reading time: 11 minutes

In recent years I’ve read reports about community Easter egg hunts getting canceled. Why? Aggressive parents were jumping onto the field to help their kids retrieve Easter eggs, despite being told by event organizers that the hunts were only for children. In their desire to ensure that their own children received plenty of eggs, they took whatever measures were necessary, creating a situation where some kids were pushed aside and didn’t get eggs. Of course, the actions were well intentioned.

In another story, a mother of a set of twins heard that a bee had stung a neighbor. Word got out that it was a nasty sting, so this mom decided it was too dangerous to allow her twins to play outside. She kept them inside. All summer. Again, a well-intentioned choice.

In 2012 the media reported that Aubrey Ireland, a 21-year old student at the University of Cincinnati Conservatory of Music, got a restraining order against her parents for stalking her. They installed tracking software on her electronic devices, made surprise visits and wanted her to stay online all night, while she slept, so they could monitor her. Aubrey said their helicopter ways were just too much.

New generation of parents

I am a dad. I also lead a nonprofit organization that partners with 8,000 schools across America. This gives me a unique vantage point on today’s new generation of parents. Over the last few decades, I’ve watched parents give a new report card to themselves: If we’re going to be good parents, we have to act like the proverbial helicopter.

In the name of our children’s safety and self-esteem, we’ve hovered over them, desiring to prevent any negative experience that might damage their esteem or hinder their safety. Now that my own kids are grown adults, I can see how, at times, my wife and I did a better job protecting our kids from the world than preparing them to live in it. After all, these are our children, we reason with faulty logic, instead of learning to trust God for our children’s growth so they, too, may one day learn to lean on Him.

Kids maturing

When our kids were toddlers, they often needed our vigilant presence and constant watchful eye. However, we need to shift roles to adjust to our kids’ maturity level. We must move from being a helicopter parent — hovering, guarding, keeping a tight hold, perhaps manipulating and controlling — to being a lighthouse parent.

A lighthouse stays in one location, and it’s a beacon that has ongoing communication with passing ships. A lighthouse reveals its location; it warns mariners of danger and provides wise guidance — but it won’t chase down the ships. How does the analogy apply to parenting? Here are the differences in a nutshell:

Helicopter parents

1. Hover and control
2. Follow kids around
3. Tell them how to behave
4. Impose rules and regulations

 

Lighthouse parents

1. Check in and communicate
2. Won’t chase kids down to enforce rules
3. Let them know where they stand
4. Offer wisdom (light) and guidance

Our children won’t mature in a healthy way if they aren’t allowed to navigate scary situations and challenging experiences. Kids need to take calculated risks to mature. Unfortunately, American parents often view struggle as a negative thing. We’ve created a world of convenience, filled with smartphones, microwaves and the Internet. The message is that struggles and discomfort are to be avoided. We’ve recognized the value of self-esteem but forget that it should be strengthened through challenges.

What we fail to see is that when we remove struggles from our children’s lives, we begin to render them helpless. They lose the opportunity to develop resilience, creativity and problem-solving skills — important strengths they’ll need later on.

Scripture reminds us to count it joy when we fall into trials, for this kind of testing produces endurance. We’re then encouraged to allow endurance to have its full effect (James 1:2-4). When we continually step in to control our kids’ levels of risk, they don’t learn how to be in control or under control. In fact, all they learn is how to be controlled or how to seek help every step of the way.

So let’s take a quick look at what the shift from helicopter to lighthouse might look like:

Scenario 1

Nathan gazes at the monkey bars on the community playground. They seem scary. He starts to climb slowly.

• Helicopter parent: Rushes over and shouts, “Stop, Nathan! You might fall. I can tell you’re scared, so I don’t want you touching those things for two more years.” Later the parent appeals to have the monkey bars removed from the playground.
• Lighthouse parent: Calmly walks over and says, “What do you think, Nate? Want to try climbing up a little ways? I’ll watch you. I remember climbing monkey bars when I was your age. If you’re careful, they can be tons of fun.”

Scenario 2

Zoe, a second-grader, forgets to take her backpack to school.

• Helicopter parent: Calls the school, informing them that Zoe didn’t remember her backpack. Then the parent drives it to the school so Zoe doesn’t get in trouble.
• Lighthouse parent: Waits for the phone call about the backpack. Then talks it over with an educator to see if Zoe may learn a greater lesson by not having it for a day. This requires long-term thinking, knowing that a little pain now will help Zoe’s memory in the future.

Scenario 3

Ten-year old Josh asks his mom if he can climb the rocky hill down the street. It could result in some scrapes.

• Helicopter parent: “Absolutely not. I have told you over and over that I don’t want you breaking a leg climbing on those rocks. Why don’t you play inside?”
• Lighthouse parent: “Yes, as long as you climb with a friend and watch out for each other. Can I trust you to be back in an hour?” Scrapes and bruises may be unavoidable, but Josh needs to develop motor skills.

Scenario 4

Eleven-year old Emily wants to sell cookies door-to-door for her scouting program. She’d rather not do it with her mom tagging along.

• Helicopter parent: “Sweetie — you know I don’t let you do that sort of thing without me. It’s far too dangerous.” Emily gets the message to avoid all risks.
• Lighthouse parent: “As long as you go with Maggie and stay on our block, I’m okay with it. Have fun. I’ll go with you and wait on the sidewalk if we go to other neighborhoods.” Mom finds a healthy balance of freedom and safety.

Scenario 5

Ben has been invited to a sleepover at his good friend’s house. He’s 9, but has been too scared to spend the night till now.

• Helicopter parent: “I’m not so sure this is a good idea. You know you get scared at these things. I think we better say no, sweetheart.” Ben learns to avoid his fears.
• Lighthouse parent: “Do you think you’re ready? I’d love to see you try, Ben. Let’s plan for you to go. We know Michael’s mom will be glad to help you, and if you need to, you can call me at 9:00 to talk over how you’re doing.”

Essentially, when we remove all risks from our kids’ lives, we may do more long-term harm than the risk itself.

Helicopter parenting: a Biblical example

In case this shift from helicopter parent to lighthouse parent feels overwhelming, it is helpful to know that, according to Dr. Kelly Cagle, helicopter parents have existed since the book of Exodus. 

Most of us know these things about Moses. 

• His mom put him in a basket and floated it down the river. He was found by Pharaoh’s daughter and was well taken care of by his mom who got hired by the servant.

• He also thought he wasn’t good enough to talk to Pharaoh, but God made him capable by pairing him up with his brother, Aaron, and he led the Israelites to freedom. But they got stuck in the desert for generations because the Israelites were so stubborn.

And, Moses was a helicopter leader. 

After Pharaoh let God’s people go from slavery, the long journey began for Moses. He was their new leader.

With that newly assigned leadership role, Moses inherited many responsibilities. The Israelites brought every single issue to him. They complained because they had no food… no water… everyone was going to die… all the animals were going to die… they constantly questioned why God would free them from Pharaoh’s power if they were just to die in the desert anyway (Exodus 17:3).

When people brought their requests to Moses, he always went to God for answers. God, in His infinite love and wisdom, would instruct Moses on what to do or say to the people each time.

Jethro’s perspective

Jethro was Moses’ father-in-law and was not in the desert during the Israelites’ journey. He didn’t see their daily needs and wasn’t a part of the various miracles God had been performing.

In fact, Moses sent his wife and two sons to stay with Jethro while he handled the Israelites in the desert.

In Exodus 18, Jethro went to visit Moses. Others had shared with him about everything Moses had been doing for the people, but for the first time, he actually saw it all for himself.

In other words, he brought an outsider’s perspective from someone who had not been alongside the long journey day in and day out.

Exodus 18:4 says, “when Moses’ father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he asked, “What are you really accomplishing here? Why are you trying to do all this alone while everyone stands around you from morning till evening?””

Jethro quickly recognized Moses was doing a lot for the Israelites.

“Moses replied, “Because the people come to me to get a ruling from God. When a dispute arises, they come to me, and I am the one who settles the case between the quarreling parties. I inform the people of God’s decrees and give them his instructions,” Exodus 18:15-16.

Moses had a valid point: the people needed him. The people trusted the solution he provided every time because it came directly from God.

However, Moses believed the people wouldn’t be able to solve anything without his help, advice, and problem-solving ability. He carried all the pressure upon his shoulders because he had received instructions to lead God’s people into freedom.

What is a helicopter parent?

If we analyze many parentings styles, we would find there are some parents who resemble Moses’ helicopter leadership approach.

Parents intervene when siblings are fighting. Parents pick up the phone the second a child comes home with a complaint about a teacher. Child not getting enough playing time on the team? Time for the parent to have a talk with the coach. Drama with a friend? Oh, of course the parent is getting involved.

Some parents suffocate their children, others lack in training them to face adversities in the process of wanting to protect them.

Jethro’s advice

After Moses answered the question about why he was trying to do everything for the Israelites, Jethro responded, “What you are doing is not good. You and the people with you will certainly wear yourselves out, for the thing is too heavy for you. You are not able to do it alone,” Exodus 18:17-18.

He proceeded to suggest three things to Moses:

Solutions for helicopter parents

Jethro knew that if Moses continued solving every little thing for the Israelites, he would hit burnout. He wouldn’t be the leader God intended him to be. He also knew the job was too large for one person to do alone.

We know parenting is extremely rewarding. We can’t deny that it’s also quite exhausting.

So, what can we learn from Jethro’s leadership advice to Moses?

Teach

Children must be taught how to handle issues. They need to know how God wants them to be slow to anger, loving to their neighbor, forgiving to those who have hurt them. That includes an argument with a group member at school as well as their sibling.

Teach them scripture. God’s decrees. Not the “because I said so’s.” Tell them why we turn the other cheek, choose kindness, and are merciful—because of Jesus’ sacrifice for us. Next, teach them that we love—because God loved us first with the most perfect and selfless love known in the history of the world. Finally, teach them that He chose you to be their parents—because He knit them beautifully and perfectly in their mother’s womb.

Find and train

Find other adults that are likeminded and can speak into your kids’ lives. Train them by giving them permission to give advice and correct your children when necessary. Take advantage of partnerships with others you trust—you can’t be everywhere your child is at all times.

Help your child realize who you’ve given permission to “parent” them. Guide your child to learn who their spiritual parents are, who their cool uncle is, and who has a super comfortable couch to talk about heartaches.

It’s likely that your children won’t want to share certain things with you, even if you have the closest relationship! This is where those other leaders in their lives will be extra valuable.

Larger disputes

Jethro didn’t tell Moses to give up control altogether. He knew that certain disputes would require Moses’ expertise as well as closeness with the Lord.

Remain the primary decision maker in handling the larger disputes your children face. You’re the main disciplinarian—ensure you remain that way.

Set the boundaries and stay consistent in how you handle the larger disputes. Define those disputes, know the standards you want your kids to abide by, and communicate with your kids often about various topics.

Avoid only having heart-to-heart conversations after they’ve messed up and need discipline. Have fun with them! Take them on dates! Make sure they feel your love during the good times as well as the tougher ones.

And take Jethro’s advice: share the load. Don’t be a helicopter parent hovering over your children’s every single move. You’ll run out of fuel.