Real Families. Real Hope.
Offer God's hope to hurting families.
Yes, I will help struggling families!

Neither World: Parent-Teen Negotiations [+ Free Downloadable Conversation Tool]

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on pinterest
Share on print
Share on email
Illustration of concerned child with scarf blowing in the wind
Here is one practical way parents can help teens who feel caught between the irresponsibility of childhood and the privileges of adulthood.

My teen son announced, “I’m taking a road trip.”

I faced him and said, “You are?”

“Yeah,” he said, “but I’ll need gas money.” This fledgling adult wanted to make his own decisions. However, the lingering child expected his father and me to finance his trip.

His words reflected the perspective of many teens who are caught in the uncomfortable middle ground between childhood and adulthood. According to therapist Rebecca Dowden, this stage of development is called “individuation.” She says the details differ for every teen, but the common denominator is that they are all learning to view themselves as separate from their parents.

My son’s desire to be a carefree child while striking out on his own indicated that he didn’t understand his stage of life. Although he felt like an adult, he wasn’t one because the perks of adulthood carry responsibilities that he hadn’t yet assumed.

Yet he was no longer a child. He had a foot in both worlds but lived fully in neither world. I’ve started referring to this stage of my kids’ lives as “Neither World,” a concept that I’ve since used to help guide my teens into seeing opposing perspectives: childhood whims versus adult responsibilities. I’m finding that it helps my teens recognize the consistency and logic of parental decision making.

Entering Neither World

Neither World is a concept that makes teens more aware of why they feel the way they do. Despite their adolescent desires for adulthood, they often find it hard to say goodbye to the unburdened life they’ve known. Their parents have shouldered the responsibilities of meeting their basic needs — food, clothing and shelter.

Teens have been expected to follow house rules and respect parental authority. This includes the understanding that parents have the final decision regarding church attendance, friends, activities and finances. But independence is a fact of a teen’s future, and the Neither World concept helps parents gradually and carefully expose their kids to the adult world they’ll need to live in.

The teen years can be ambiguous for both parents and child, Dowden says. “If the child is restricted too much or given too much freedom, his individuation can be negatively affected.” For children to develop a healthy view of adulthood, they can’t be given too many adult perks without also shouldering adult responsibilities. If they are, their desire to step fully into adulthood can be stunted.

Neither World perspectives

In my son’s road-trip scenario, we talked about his decision from a child’s perspective and from an adult’s perspective. He wanted to make the decision to take a road trip but did not have the funds to finance his trip. He wanted the perks of adulthood without the responsibility. To hand him money, as if he were a child, in order for him to fulfill his adult decision, would have been irresponsible.

So my husband and I pointed out which parts of his plan existed in childhood and which in adulthood. He couldn’t have the best of both worlds. We considered his personality, the friends who were going with him, the weather, hotels, finances, etc., in our effort to help him understand that a road-trip decision required weighing several factors.

Although all of those areas had to be reviewed, the financial side of the trip simplistically demonstrates how Neither World works. In this area, we asked our son to choose between financing the road trip himself or continuing to receive gas money by not going on the road trip. Once everything was considered, he was given the parameters of each world and was asked to choose whether he would be a child or an adult in this situation. He chose not to go on the road trip. Neither World helped us strike a healthy balance between the dependent part of our son’s reality and his dream for independence.

Neither World’s purpose

As my son accepted his place in Neither World, on many occasions life didn’t seem fair to him. He observed his peers being allowed to make adult decisions while enjoying the carefree life of childhood. Some had access to unlimited funds and luxury items, along with vacations and activities that they didn’t earn.

Pam Russom, president of Flyline Search Marketing, suggests that today’s teens already have a measure of freedom that past teen generations haven’t because of their cell phone usage and Internet access. She says, “They can make decisions, judgments and purchases without your knowledge.” Unfortunately, teens seldom have the maturity or financial responsibility to match this illusion of being their own person in other areas of their life.

To balance peer and technological influences, my son and I talked honestly about the freedom his peers enjoyed, and we discussed the failure to launch stories of young adults who hadn’t been given Neither World boundaries. Because acceptance of adult responsibilities is not easy, teens often must be encouraged to examine how they make decisions. When parents use Neither World as a basis, teens are given the opportunity to make decisions that help them slowly move out of childhood and embrace adulthood.

A Snapshot of Neither World

Here are a few of the day-to-day situations in which we’ve used Neither World to help my family come to decisions:

Curfew: As a child, my son was given a curfew time. But as an adult, he was allowed to call if plans changed, and times could be adjusted if we felt the change was valid. This small negotiation moved our son gradually into the adult arena where his decisions were based on a consideration for others and for those his actions affected. But if curfew was missed without a negotiation, our teen was placed back into his childhood world and lost privileges — which meant his curfew was adjusted.

Automobiles: My son was expected to keep $500 in a savings account if he wanted us to provide a car for his transportation needs. He was given the adult responsibility of having money available in case he wrecked the car. But at the same time, we treated him as a child and provided him with a vehicle, gave him a gas budget and paid for the car’s insurance, maintenance and repairs.

Clothing choices: As my son took on the adult responsibility of buying his own clothes, he was allowed more freedom in his wardrobe selection. But at the same time, because his father and I were still training him in his moral development, he was not allowed to wear anything that violated the family’s standards.

The years when children are caught between two worlds don’t last forever, but allowing them to live the adult life under the carefree banner of childhood often kills their desire for independence. Neither World establishes enough freedom, mingled with boundaries, to keep children aiming for total independence. In a person’s early teen years, decisions and negotiations often end up in the childhood arena. As the teen matures and demonstrates good decision-making skills, he is given more adult responsibilities. In this way, parents can walk alongside their teens, guiding them on their journey to adulthood.

Free Download: Parent-Teen Negotiation Tool

Neither World Teens

As teens transition from childhood to adulthood, their responsibilities consist of:

  • Honoring parents
  • Accepting parental boundaries
  • Understanding that parents have their best interests at heart
  • Asking questions when they don’t understand something
  • Submitting to parents when necessary
  • Being willing to make daily decisions on their own
  • Thinking through decisions
  • Asking for parental guidance when faced with difficult decisions
  • Acting responsibly in their pursuits
  • Dreaming of the day they will launch into a life of independence

Neither World Parents

As you help launch your teens into adulthood, your responsibilities consist of:

  • Praying for your maturing teens
  • Inviting God into the process
  • Walking alongside your teens
  • Understanding and, within reason, validating your teens’ frustrations in Neither World
  • Not expecting all your teens’ decisions to mirror those you would make
  • Allowing teens to make small mistakes so they can learn
  • Standing firm when big mistakes are at stake
  • Having reasonable expectations for adult decision-making success, especially in the early years of Neither World
  • Practicing letting go as your teens launch into independence

Shona Neff is a freelance author and a client advocate/mentor for the HOPE Pregnancy Center. 

Dynamic CTA Template Below

Your Teen Needs You Most of All

No parent of teens is perfect and even the best can learn how to better connect with their son or daughter. Get practical action steps to better connect with your teenager in 8 Essential Tips for Parenting Your Teen in this FREE video series!

There Is Still Hope for Your Marriage

You may feel that there is no hope for your marriage and the hurt is too deep to restore the relationship and love that you once had. The truth is, your life and marriage can be better and stronger than it was before. In fact, thousands of marriages, situations as complex and painful as yours, have been transformed with the help of professionals who understand where you are right now and care deeply about you and your spouse’s future. You can restore and rebuild your marriage through a personalized, faith-based, intimate program called, Hope Restored.

Understand How to Respect and Love your Son Well

Why doesn’t my son listen to me? Have you ever asked that question? The truth is, how you see your son and talk to him has a significant effect on how he thinks and acts. That’s why we want to help you. In fact, we’ve created a free five-part video series called “Recognizing Your Son’s Need for Respect” that will help you understand how showing respect, rather than shaming and badgering, will serve to motivate and guide your son.
Book Cover: Aftershock A Plan for Recovery

Aftershock: Overcoming His Secret Life with Pornography: A Plan for Recovery

This book is for women who have discovered their husband’s struggle with pornography and other sexual infidelities. Based on biblical principles and psychologically sound advice, Aftershock is designed to help women heal, grow, and receive restoration for themselves, their husbands, and their marriages.

That the World May Know

Join renowned teacher and historian Ray Vander Laan as he guides you through the lands of the Bible. In each lesson, Vander Laan illuminates the historical, geographical, and cultural context of the sacred Scriptures. Filmed on location in the Middle East, the That the World May Know ® film series will transform your understanding of God and challenge you to be a true follower of Jesus.
Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on pinterest
Share on print
Share on email

About the Author

You May Also Like