To a Woman Hurting with Mother’s Day Grief

When you’ve experienced a deep loss, oftentimes the holidays hurt. – and Mother’s Day is no exception. Mother’s Day grief runs deep, and bubbles to the surface for a variety of reasons.

Perhaps this day reminds you that are without a nurturing mother, whether by her death, or her inability to care for you. Or maybe you desperately desire to be a mother. But instead find yourself coping with the ache of infertility, child loss, or singleness. Or perhaps you’re like me, a single mother contending with a reality of motherhood that looks nothing like what we’d originally hoped for.

The grief around these occasions is inescapable. While your friends are celebrating with brunch or breakfast in bed, you may be making a meal for yourself (and your kids) as though it’s any other Sunday. While their husbands are plastering social media with adoration, you may walk out of church feeling completely unseen and unknown. (Or you might just skip the whole ordeal and opt to catch the worship service online. I get it. No judgement.)

But then the unexpected happens: maybe someone approaches you or messages you, offering a polite (and well-intended) “Happy Mother’s Day!” In an instant, the confusion hits.

The words you have longed to hear, the attention you have desired to receive, unexpectedly sets off a firestorm of overwhelming emotions.

If this has ever happened to you, you may have wondered, “What is wrong with me?”

An Occasion of Honor

We live in a celebration-saturated society. If you don’t believe me, ask any mom who has had to build a Leprechaun Trap or pull together a last-minute “100th Day of School” outfit. Now don’t get me wrong – all of these are in good fun.

But maybe that’s the problem. In our present-day culture, holidays have become synonymous with fun. And for those who are grieving or carrying significant pain, holidays are not always fun. And when you’re the one who is weeping instead of celebrating, it can seem as though you’re doing it all wrong.

Often, our sadness in the midst of celebrations leads to one of two directions. On the one hand, you may tend toward self-rejection. Perhaps even shaming yourself for not being happy with what you have. Or, you may move toward self-protection, distancing physically and emotionally from the fanfare all together.

But the sadness is still there, lurking beneath the surface. The grief demands you to notice it. And while the thought of approaching your grief at a time like this can seem inconvenient at best and frightening at worst, the Bible promises we have so much to gain when we do.

What Do We Do with Mother’s Day Grief?

In the book of John, Jesus promises our grief will become something so much greater; He promised it would be transformed into pure joy. Jesus says, “You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy. It will be like a woman suffering the pains of labor. When her child is born, her anguish gives way to joy because she has brought a new baby into the world. So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy” (John 16:20-22).

Our grief is holy. It is the place where we confront all in this world that is not what it should be, not as God intended. In our mourning, we pour out the sadness of loss, the anger of injustice, and the fear of uncertainty. Then, we entrust it to a good and just Father. Psalm 103:13-14 says that God “is tender and compassionate” and that He knows how fragile we are. He honors our vulnerability with His nearness and understanding. And in encountering His closeness, we open ourselves to discover a defiant joy birthed out of the awareness that our God is for us, and that He is still at work setting all things right.

When does grief become joy? Jesus says in John 16:20 it happens suddenly. And when it happens, it’s joy inextinguishable. But we can’t bypass the grief to get straight to the joy. We can’t talk ourselves out of it or avoid it. We have to go through it. But God promises we will not go through it alone and that He will be our strength when we aren’t sure if we can bear it all.

Then, it would seem perhaps more fitting to view holidays like Mother’s Day as occasions of honor. This day honors where we are, what has brought us here, and what God is still doing in it all.

Mother’s Day as an Opportunity to Grieve

Just as God designed us to celebrate together, He also designed us to grieve together. Mother’s Day grief provides this opportunity. Safe supporters are able to gently walk with us in our suffering. They leave us with the sense that we are both seen and known despite what we are experiencing. They are not mind-readers. But they desire to become aware of our burdens because they are not afraid to help us carry them. And while the whole rest of the world seems to be celebrating, such individuals have the ability to respond with compassion when you’d rather have someone to  cry with.

Such members of our communities embody this, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). In the Body of Christ, we were made to experience both joy and sorrow together. And God has uniquely called specific people into your life to accompany and encourage you. However, I know that this promise also carries the frustrating reality that not every Christian you meet will have the ability or maturity to walk with you. Sadly, it’s sometimes a fact we often discover after it is far too late.

However, it is possible to better discern the people God is moving into your path. But it actually starts with learning to attune your heart and mind to the rhythms of God’s compassion for you, especially in the full range of emotions you are carrying. He is not afraid of how you feel. Every emotion is an invitation to move away from patterns of self-rejection or self- protection. Then, move towards His unconditional and unmerited love. He already knows how you feel. He desires that you come to Him just as you are, fully expecting to receive His love and grace.

Final Thoughts on Mother’s Day Grief

Embracing this compassionate connection with God in turn teaches you how to be gentle and nurturing with yourself. With practice, you can learn to become curious about your feelings, rather than being fearful or judgmental. You can learn to speak more kindly to yourself, knowing that this is the way God speaks to you. And as you live into the love God has for you,   it becomes much easier to discern the people around you who are living by that same love in the same Spirit.

It takes some time and patience, but taking the opportunity to grieve with God is worth it. However it comes, Mother’s Day grief opens the door to great healing and reconnection. Jesus promises it won’t always be this way, but in this imperfect and present moment, there is great gain to be found.