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When You Can’t Make It Better for Your Stepkids

By Diane Stark
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I wanted to fix my stepson’s problems. But I had to accept that they weren't my problems to fix. It took some time for me to realize this. Here are some truths I have learned about letting go.

“I’m not going, and you can’t make me,” my 12-year-old stepson shouted when it was time to visit his
biological mom. He marched to his room and slammed the door. He refused to see her because he blamed
her for his parents’ divorce.

I was sure he’d be happier if he and his mom reconciled, so I had tried to talk with him about
forgiveness. But he felt justified in his anger toward her, and he simply didn’t want to let it
go.

I, too, had trouble letting go. I wanted to fix the problems I saw in his life. But I had to accept
that they weren’t my problems to fix. As a natural fixer, it took some time for me to realize this.
Here are some truths I learned during that process:

Our house is our house, and their house is their house.

My husband and I decided early in our
marriage that we would treat all the children the same, regardless of family of origin. But when my
stepson stopped visiting his biological mom, she didn’t treat him the same as she treated his
sister, who still visited her.

One Christmas, he didn’t receive any gifts from his mom, while his sister received many presents. He
was hurt and angry, and I empathized with those emotions. I wanted my husband to talk with his ex
about it, but he simply said, “Her house; her rules.” I realized that I would not want another
family to question our parenting decisions, so I resolved not to interfere with her
decisions.

Being supportive doesn’t mean being responsible to fix the problem.

My stepson often complained to
my husband and me that he felt unloved by his biological mother. He retaliated by ignoring her phone
calls and refusing to visit her. Then she would feel hurt and become angry with him, continuing the
cycle of negativity.

I wanted to do something to alleviate his pain, but fixing the problem wasn’t my responsibility. All
I could do was offer emotional support as he shared his feelings. Anything more would be
overstepping my role as a stepmom.

I’m not God, but I can place my problems in His hands.

When I see my kids and stepkids hurting, I
want to zoom in like Wonder Woman and fix it. But I’m not Wonder Woman, and I’m certainly not God.
Fixing broken things is His role and prerogative, not mine.

One day when my stepson was upset, I reminded him that everyone in this world is broken in some way.
Our family is broken because of the pain of divorce. I’m broken; he’s broken; his biological mom is
broken. Broken people have broken relationships, but God can help us mend them. He’s really good at
fixing broken things, but we have to ask for His help.

Blended-family problems often work themselves out over time.

Some issues, like sibling rivalry, crop
up in most families when kids reach a certain age. Just when parents think the problem will never
end, the kids grow into a different stage. This happened with my stepson. When he finished high
school, he suddenly decided to let go of the past and forgive his mom. Today, they enjoy a healthy,
positive relationship.

Diane Stark is a freelance writer from Indiana who writes about family and faith.

© 2018 by Diane Stark. Used by permission.

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Understand How to Respect and Love your Son Well

Why doesn’t my son listen to me? Have you ever asked that question? The truth is, how you see your son and talk to him has a significant effect on how he thinks and acts. That’s why we want to help you. In fact, we’ve created a free five-part video series called “Recognizing Your Son’s Need for Respect” that will help you understand how showing respect, rather than shaming and badgering, will serve to motivate and guide your son.
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About the Author

Diane Stark

Diane Stark is a freelance writer from Indiana who writes about family and faith.

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